How to improve my married life experience?
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Hi Anjali,
I am married since 3 years. My wife is 35 and I am 45 years old. I am short tempered and often fight with my wife. She is from rural area. She wants to do everything her way and never listens to others. We have sex often and we love each other. She does all home work but is not like a modern girl who dresses fashionably etc. She cant speak english properly.
She has a sister who looks good and she speak with me nicely and some times I get attracted to her. She is not getting suitable offers for marriage even after crossing 30 and she earns more than me. I am from a good family. I had sex only after marriage though I used to masturbate and watch love making scenes.
I feel my wife and I do not share a soulmate kind of relation where there will be good loving communication with each other. Her parents stay away from their son and due to this she gets worried and is unable to adjust here. We still do not have kids. It seems her family is not interested in her settling down as they kept on calling her and she used fight with us that she will go and look after her parents. 3 years have passed like this.
Some say we need to have sex for 15 days at a stretch then only she can get pregnant. Is this true? Some times, I am getting attracted to other girls. Because of my efforts she learnt English and started to work. Now she is earning and her health has improved. Most of the time she is busy in house work and her office work. She watches TV serial which I do not like. They are all family dramas so we do not spend quality time with each other. Even when there is time she speaks on the phone with her family or relatives and I feel I am alone.
I want your suggestion on this.
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Girish, Look at the brighter side of the picture,you have got married., have some profession, have a good family background, your wife loves sex and you guys resort to it occassionally like other thounds of couples. you both love each other. still you seem unhappy ,it so seems from the tone of your question.
Some people can never remain happy. Think if you are one of them? This soulmate type of relationship you are craving for It can develop within both of you if you would try to understand her as a human and do not keep unreasonable expectations.Being from a rural background she wont become fashionable model type diva at the click of the fingers. First of all think what you can do to build a relationship with her. Give her time and space. You seem to be complaining her like she watches television, budy that is why it has been made . To watch, to entertain. Still tell her to limit the watching in absolute terms expressing your displeasure about the amount she spends in it .Or decide how much time or how many serials she could watch everyday!
Visit her parents alongwith some responsible relatives from your side and tell them not to remain in touch with her excessively..Certainly not to the level that her family life is getting disturbed and ask them to tell her that though they are not staying with their son still they are happy and wanted to see this married daughter of theirs to be really happy in every sense. So, that involvement of her would come under control.
And who told you this English speaking thing? Why you are so much insisting that she should be able to talk in English? This is our poor ‘ Brithish Raj’ psycholology! More than a half a century have passed since Brithish left still their legacy is still intact due to fellows like you. Do you feel if a person can talk in this foregin language then he/ she is a better person than who can not talk? I am not at all against English or any other language for that matter. On the contarary i am great admirer of this Great language and i read English literature regularly too. But when someone like you tries to judge a person by the language is spoken it makes me unhappy! .
Atnd i would ask you to retrospect and think what you can offer to make this relation more worth a while? You expect that only she should sacrifice . She should learn English, She should become more modern, in a way forgetting her rural roots from where she came. She should speak English fluently . She should not watch television. She should not speak too much on phone or should not care for her parents. Wake up boss you have married a woman not have bought some animal or slave who would behave or follow all your wishes(or i think whims would be more proper word) .
See when we love someone as close as our spouse, that person need not to be told that we love him/ her. That person automatically FEELS it . So when you would start to LOVE her, would stop having silly and stupid expectations , she would reciprocate. And last but not least first start to have respect for her . Remember she have left her family , loved ones for you. Its your duty now to make and keep her happy forever.
And what about this spinster, her unmarried sister you have just mentioned and you feel attracted towards? Where does she fits in?
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i have similar experience with my wife…Moat village girls psychology (though she is from a city), hardly does home chores, regular sex, poor communication skills, bad natured sister, unhelpful family with constant calls – some qualities my wife has… i had raised question on AA and was advised many things… visiting her parents did not help as they won’t accept basic faults… sacrifices did not help… over the time i have realized that all this happens because of one simple thing – expectations, unnecessary ones and from both sides… i may think that my expectations are reasonable and world may agree… but at the end of the day they remain expectations…
in my case it is squarely indifference… treating her like princess did not help… pampering her did not either… how about a human – nope!
squash those expectations… back out of this soulmate thing… i had this feeling too and repeatedly felt that it is not ‘manly’ to have this expectation… i don’t think giving space will help…
i have attained a lot of mental peace by self introspection (not just related to this relationship)… let’s hope these things help you