Married for 12 years with 2 kids.

2013 – Working in US got married to tamil girl. I was a virgin. Thought she would be too. Found some half naked pictures and msgs to her exes few months after. She lied nothing happened and those were accidents. I was devastated. She almost threatened suicide. I stayed with her.

2014 – She goes to India and went to blr to see her ex(who was friends with benefits before marriage) and they had sex which i didn’t know till now(2024).

2015 – Had our first kid and all good. But she has been in contact with that guy.

2016 – Went to India with family and caught her chatting with the same guy. With both of our parents in the house, She begged me not to say anything. I warned her and let it go.

2020 – We had second kid. All good and we become more closer and affectionate. During this time that guy’s wife contacted her after their sexting and threatened her. I did not know this. She promised she would never contact him.

2021 – She contacted him and fought with him about his wife risking her life. She says she stopped any contact after that.

2022 – She went to take care of my mother when she feel sick. That guy contacted her to meet up and she didn’t. I found out she had sent some money for her ex boyfriend. She came clean about it and worked on getting the money back. She also met the same ex and had some romance (confessed this now).

2024 – That guy reached out her again. That guy reached out her again when he come to US for work. He lives in europe. She says she said no initially and he was persistently calling and talking nice things and then she gave in. Went and had sex with him again one afternoon when i was mourning my aunt’s death with the kids at home. She was the same person who sent me to India to say goodbye to my aunt. I come back home and she does this.

Confession:

Now she herself came and confessed all this. I thought she stopped talking to him after 2016. She was never caught but kept chatting with him every year here and there. She also has been in contact with one of her other ex from time to time. No physical relation. She is not threatened by anyone to confess. If she hadn’t told me i would probably never know. She says she couldn’t face me anymore and worried that something is seriously wrong with her.

She is crying and feeling so much guilt about what she did and wishes to give me divorce if thats what i want. Not asking for any money for herself too. She says she couldn’t face me after what happened this time. She tried to say no but all the sweet talks and nice things he said made her go for it. She says she felt like there were two versions of her fighting inside. She also confessed she has been watching lot of porn since my second kid was born. She also started binge eating and binge watching all the time. After our second kid was born, she had two abortions in the same year. We have a good intimate relationship. Very confused about this.

I am so devastated. She is so broken down from doing this to me and kids. She says she tried to resist so much and she thought about how kids or i will get affected because of this and said no to him. But after calls and talks, she says she doesn’t even realize how did that thoughtful person became so selfish. she says even all these years from before marriage in their relation she couldn’t always no. He is 6 years older than her. She says even when she is uncomfortable or her mind says no, she ends up doing things to please him. She has some video calls over the years and showed him her breasts while he masturbates. She says she doesn’t always like doing it but still does it anyway. I am so confused about this.

She has been so good with me and in taking care of family. Even my parents and her parents. We do fight and she has short temper but caring too. Her friends love her. She is always selfless with friends and family. Its been a month since she told me and doesn’t sleep or eat properly. I don’t know where to go from here. Tested the kids. They are mine.

She started doing therapy. She is deeply broken down. She is ready to even go confess to that guy’s wife or help me to reach out to her. She says she is scared of what is true about herself and disgusted by such selfish acts that she is not capable of being even a mother. She breaks down and wants me to walk away and go find good life. She says she is scared she will bring harm to kids.

She has been so open in telling all the details and answering the questions. I have verified some of them. She is ready to let me walk away with no alimony. She wants to work on herself to fix her become a fit mother. She says she is disgusted at the fact she could compartmentalize this much and not even feel little bit guilty.

We are amicable so far. She checks on me everyday and blames only herself in all this. She wants to own up and fight for the family. I don’t want to forgive her after all this betrayal and the chances i gave her. But i can see true remorse in her behaviour. Opened all the communication channels and also showed some chats.

She is ready to get divorced and be amicable living in the same house. I don’t want to leave the kids either. She is asking to give her 3 to 4 years to fix herself and show me the commitment. She is ok for me to go date during that time. She says thats the pain she has to go through for causing me this betrayal.

We have talked a lot. I am a rational person. I wanted to know the depth of their relationship. It looks like mostly they had sexual. That guy seem to have benefited more than her. She opened about the relationships before marriage and where it all started. I asked her why she didn’t do it after 2014. She says she never wanted to. Its so confusing that those time we had less sex and no intimacy. She still stayed with me but now with all the closeness she went for it. I also got to know that she was molested at age 12 and also some relatives of her has felt her up when they thought she was sleeping. And she did not have a good relationship with her brother. Seems like quite a trauma she had.

I want to give the kids a stable home. With all this, i have seen her being a good mom in understanding kids needs closely and pushing them out of their comfort zone to excel constantly. I don’t to lose that but i can’t forgive this either.

Can living together after divorce work with all this?