Throwaway account. This is literally happening right now. (See UPDATE below!)
My wife and I typically have sex every couple days, and our sex life is usually great. I also love my wife dearly, she is the highlight of my life.
Over a week ago my wife had minor eye surgery – outpatient, don’t touch eyes, wear dark glasses for a few days, etc. So sex was briefly out of the question, and she was nervously defending her eyes from our young kids who are often running around playing wildly, etc.
Well a few days later we’re laying in bed and I ask if she wants to have sex, and she says she’s still nervous about her eyes – fine, not a problem. An hour later she says she thinks she’s ready to have sex if we’re careful about her eyes. It goes fine, we didn’t do anything crazy and it didn’t hurt her eyes to my knowledge.
I felt bad afterwards, both because I don’t want to pressure her into sex if it’s at all uncomfortable, and I also don’t like the idea of literally asking for sex. Initiating sex usually occurs naturally, we’re snuggling and it turns into massaging and turns into intimacy. It feels demeaning to have to ask, almost like begging, and I think she enjoys it as much as I do (but clearly doesn’t have the same physical need.)
Here is the fuck up: I decide to run this idiotic and masochistic experiment — how long will it take for her to initiate sex, or even just notice that something is off, if I intentionally avoid the normal situations of heavy physical contact that turn into sex? If she directly asks for anything, like a hug or a footrub, she’ll get it, but I will not be starting anything.
It’s been over a week of fucking agony. If we’re in the same room, it takes all my spare energy to restrain myself from ripping her clothes apart and taking her on the floor in front of the children. I have to look away from her to avoid getting an erection. We were laying on our bed with the kids while they watched a show in the iPad and she put her foot square in my lap and said “massage time,” during which I almost came.
I am certain she knows something is off – she is way more keen to feelings than I am, and I can’t be doing a good job of acting normally. But she hasn’t brought up the lack of sex once. I think she’s on to my game and is now just torturing me. Even worse, maybe she thinks something is seriously wrong between us, which there totally isn’t AFAIK (besides this stupid experiment).
There are some other relevant circumstances – our son has been sleeping poorly, leaving his room at night and coming to get us, and maybe she’s nervous about being walked-in on. His poor sleep has affected our sleep, so maybe she’s just tired, or maybe she thinks I badly need my sleep. (FYI ladies, if you haven’t had sex in a couple days and get horny in the middle of the night but your guy is sleeping, just punch your man and hop on. They’re not going to be saying “you’re ruining my sleep!” EDIT: several people have commented this is NOT the case for them.)
How can she possibly be so unaffected? How can she not understand just how badly I physically need her? I know I should just communicate openly, get on the same page about how I don’t always want to be the initiator, how I’d like to have sex more often, etc.
But now I am committed, for science. What will be the final straw, and who will break?

TL;DR: I haven’t initiated sex, or indeed most types of physical contact, with my wife to see how long it would take for her to notice. It’s week 2, please send help.

UPDATE: On advice of counsel… we just had sex! The kids were down for a nap, and I had to initiate pretty strongly while she complained several times about being tired. But the sex was very good. So, we did it Reddit?
Afterwards I sheepishly mentioned “haven’t had sex in a while, huh?” And she said “well we haven’t really hung out much for the past week.” Then I left her to her nap so I could make lunch, resume working, and post this update.
I guess next time I can I’ll try to start a dialog about initiating sex, but maybe I should just be happy with what I’ve got.
So I guess “the experiment” dies here – I’m not sure she even thought anything was different about this week.
Thanks everyone for your advice and comments, except for the people calling me a rapist, and happy endings for all!
——- UPDATE 2: We talked briefly in the car and the conversation went great. First off, she knew I was coming to our room during nap time to have sex, so she was intentionally teasing me by saying she was tired, she wasn’t bothered by me asking at all. I completely missed the “teasing” part of it, because I’m often clueless. I directly asked her if she felt I was being too pushy or aggressive and she said “oh no definitely not.”
I explained how I felt like I was in some grey area between asking and insisting when I attempt to initiate sometimes, and she said she understood and felt bad that she was teasing me earlier today about being too tired, she didn’t know I was worried about pushing her.
I asked about this past week – did she feel like there was a reason we didn’t have sex. She said we didn’t spend much time connecting, and it’s that initial connection that is critical for her to be in the mood to have sex. Even if it’s just watching a tv show and talking about it.
I still haven’t directly pointed out that I’d like her to initiate sometimes, but I feel like I understand her “reactive” sex drive a lot better, and I think she understands me better, and my fairly “active” desire for her, and my discomfort asking and potentially burdening her. In general I’m just going to try to get a pulse for her mood more often, try to connect more to kindle some romance – precisely the opposite of what I’ve been doing all week.
More conversations to come I am sure. Hopefully this update is more cheerful than the previous, where it seems like lots of people read it as “yep this guy basically raped his wife.” Absolutely incorrect, get real.