Hello,
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I am really upset and I am wondering if someone can please give me some honest advice.
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When I started dating my fiance, I was still with my ex boyfriend. My fiance knew I had a boyfriend at the time because I was open about it. After about a month of seeing each other, I asked him if he was seeing other people and he said no. I found out soon after that he was seeing/having sex with someone else. I was mad because he lied about it, but I figured being mad also made me a hypocrite. He said it wasn’t serious and that if I left my boyfriend and got with him, he’d never see her again. So, I did. I had been thinking of it anyway and by then, I was already in love with him.*
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The girl he had been seeing was very upset about him “dumping” her and texted/called non stop. There was something immature about her behavior and way she wrote. I asked him how old she was. He said she was 22.
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About 5 months later, when he was already living with me, I found out she was a 17 year old girl. He said when they met she told him she was 19 and that he didn’t believe her but he didn’t ask any more questions. I said so she could have been 14 and you didn’t bother to find out? He said he could tell she was at least 15. This was a big deal to me because he was 33 and the girl was also in dire straits. I nearly dumped him. He swore to me that he didn’t have a thing for teens girls and hadn’t dated any other underage girls in the past. He said he was really attracted to her and wasn’t thinking straight and that he deeply regretted it. I chose to stay with him. It has always freaked me out and I had a hard time getting over it. A few years later, we started seeing a couples therapist. When I brought this up, the therapist said I shouldn’t worry about/focus on the girls age because she wasn’t 13 or younger. The therapy helped. I let it go. We’ve been together 6 years.
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So, he has always told me he doesn’t like / watch porn and I figured that was a lie, but he’s a prude about sex / talking about sex in general, so I wasn’t sure and I didn’t really care either way. The other day we were out of town at a hotel room and I went to use his ipad and teen porn popped up. He had selected the category. I confronted him and he admitted to watching teen porn and said it is because it is less “dirty” (meaning what sexual acts they do) and that they often show them in the position he likes most (woman on top, shot from behind). So, I went on the same site to see if there was any truth to this and as I suspected, there isn’t. The videos I saw are not of really young looking girls (not made up to look like kids). We don’t have any kids and we do not plan to. Still he’s 39 now, and especially because of his past, I am disgusted by this.
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*I don’t know what to think of all of this. I’m going to be 30 in two weeks. I don’t look like a teenager. He has always liked me to pretend to refuse him before sex, not rape role play, more just “talking me into it.” He doesn’t like any dirty talk or sex talk at all and is really turned off by it. I have always asked him why he chose to get with me if he likes the sweet/innocent type, because that’s just not me in every way, not just sexually.
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Anyway, I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together 6 years and I love him very much, but I don’t want to be 40 or 50 and left for a teenager.