Friend getting married to a psychopath, needs help. Please help.
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Hello to everyone on the Ask Anjali Forum,
I respect everything which all the members do, especially the editors, moderators and the main Team. I have been a silent reader of the Forum for over a year now; and I have seen the way how the team, manages to answer every question, even if it is asked before, even if its about something discussed over a thousand times; and I really admire the way the questions are answered.
Coming to the question. I am 24 year old male (from south), studying in the south. During my studies I fell in love with a girl who is from north and is of the same age (we were and still are best friends; still studying together). We were in a relationship till January this year, when her parents got her fixed to a guy who is from her place (North-west India). Parents got it fixed without her consent, she said “NO”; but parents felt that the match was too good.
Initially, we decided together to have a mutual break up and we broke up; although we still meet as best friends and talk to each other. Now the problem is, the guy she is getting married to is troubling her mentally a lot; and in a way is torturing her. He has kept a lot of restrictions on her life, that is, not to go out, not to meet guy friends, not to roam in college, phone shouldn’t be busy etc and he has demands that she has to talk to him whenever he wishes, and that she has to send him photos daily.
Initially, she thought its fine and she has to give him chances and that she has to earn his trust. Its been almost 2 months since her relation got fixed (they are not engaged or married yet) and he argues with her every second or third day. The reason why I call him a psychopath is that, he is allowed to do anything he wants (his phone can go busy, no questions to be asked, he can chat on whatsapp till 5am, he can talk to girls, etc). He also keeps a check on her by asking some of his “friends of friends” to keep an eye on her and to check into her details of her college life (even though their relationship is fixed). Now, my friend got angry when she came to know that till today (maybe even of this moment too) he is still checking on her. He claims that he loves her a lot, and that he trusts her, and he even swears by his mother, but still; my friend knows it is not true. She told her family everything about him, but the family says that the guy is too good and that she is misunderstanding him (basically he shows his “best” side to her family). Her family is not ready to listen and tells her to tolerate it.
The reason I gave some history is because, I was unable to find such a question anywhere on the internet. I do not want to break this relation for my friend for my benefit; but I want to help her as a human being; especially because she is trapped and that no one is there to listen to her or support her. She is getting mentally harassed by him, by the dramas he does whenever she does something which he doesn’t like (phone being busy for a second/minute, meeting batchmates, going outside, etc) I know he is over-possessive; but by the looks of things, it does not look like the future with him is good. Many people also said that she should talk to her parents and break it off; but her parents are unwilling to listen and are blinded by his portrayal of him.
I know my question is long, and I know the Ask Anjali Team can help my friend out, in finding a solution. She tried talking to her parents since the last 2 weeks, and all she hears is that the guy is too good, and that she should focus on her studies and that what will society think if the relation is broken. Her parents do not even take her side, they take his side of the argument saying what your thinking is wrong. My friend is in depression at the moment, because she can’t imagine about throwing her life away like this. She is unable to concentrate on studies or anything, and she is also worried about the guy starting a fight out of nothing.
Other points: My friend knows the guy is currently seeing a girl or girls and having sex with them or whatever. She also knows the people who he has asked to keep an eye on her. She also knows that the guy is interested only in her body and is only thinking about having sex with her.
If any answers, indicate going to the police or contacting women’s cell; it would be nice if the procedure for the same could be mentioned.
Answers ( 3 )
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Buddy its good to learn that you care so much for your friend. By the look of your question I can suggest you just a couple of things:- 1. Gather courage and speak the matter out to your beloved friend and her parents and get beaten up or 2. Move out from the scene and continue doing your work quietly. See I understand your feelings for your friend and I respect them a lot, but here is nothing much you can do about it. And sometimes I think there are no solutions in the question paper of a subject called life. You have to leave them blank and maybe this one has to be left blank. Okay I’ll end it on a lighter note but she can think of this seriously i.e. after her education is complete she can run away before her marriage. But god has his own plans, whatever happens, happens for the best and you never know how will destiny change the last minute. So relax, be calm, whatever will happen, will happen for the best. Take care! God bless you!
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bigandtall,I do not know whether your generation believes in philosophy of our great leader of nation Mahatma Gandhi or not.
For it you have to speak with your friend. Make her aware of your concerns to her and look if she shares the similar views or what ! If she too believes that she is making big mistake by getting herself married with this guy then she has to gather courage to speak out her concerns to her family.
Its only she who have to talk openly because after all its her life and unless she speaks everyone will take her granted and her consent if she remains mute.
If they(family) wont pay any heed to her concerns she could go on hunger strike unless she is heard properly and before that she can opt for stopping all sort of communication with everyone including her family, friends , that psychopath too etc. Hunger strike will come later if this peaceful nonviolent civil disobedience does not works.
But you as much as possible try to remain out of picture else for all this only you would be blamed by her family tarnishing you as a villain.
Many great fights have won using Gandhian protests and principles
I truly hope it will work. If you opt for this and have some results thank that great man who have always fought for the underprivileged downtrodden persons of the society.
Best of luck and keep us informed .
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My friend herself tells me whatever she is going through, as she has no one other than me as support or even as a friend/relative at this point of time. She tells me everything about whats going on; as I am a good friend of hers since years. She has spoken to her own family, and they take the guys side. They tell her that since she is going to be the wife, she always has to “please” him and cannot question him or doubt him. My friend is more irritated and frustrated that he keeps a double face, that he is a very kind, generous, caring and understanding person in front of everyone; while in front of her, he only cares about himself and his wishes, and is least bothered about her.
As far as I know, only a few close friends knows what she is going though, and all have said its better not to marry him. She confronted her parents about breaking the relation off. The reply they gave was that “If the relation has to break, ‘someone’ has to die”. Her parents also told her, that she should do whatever he wants to keep him happy. Hunger strike, not calling them or the psychopath wont work out for her. For hunger strike, her parents will say its good as she can lose a few kilos before the marriage and for the not communicating or contacting them; its a long story; but to make it short, the psychopath will make it into a big issue, cause unnecessary dramas in both her life, as well as her family’s life. (she couldn’t receive calls at times as she was busy, or at times if her phone was busy, or if she does not reply to his messages on whatsapp; he would make it a big argument Her parents are happy if she does not contact them, as long as the relation keeps going. Her parents have even asked her to fast so that the relation keeps going. The guy pleases/butters her mother a lot and that has made her entire family think that the guy is perfect.
As of this moment, she dislikes him and hates him more than anyone else she has encountered. His habits, his two-faced nature, his lies, the way he hints that he is dying for sexual relations, everything has gotten on her nerves and she is unable to bear it. The only reason I posted this question was because she is currently on the verge of suicide. She can see her future life crushed before she knows it and she is unable to imagine a future as someone’s personal slave.
I know its a very complex situation. I am keeping my safe distance from this; but its not easy to watch others suffer. I am only in contact with my friend, her family nor the guy does knows that I am helping her for anything. At the moment, I just give her support and reassurance; cause really that’s all I can do.
I just wanted to know, if anything is possible for her to have a happy and better life.