Finding confessions to crushes online that ended well was hard for me, so Im posting this exeption in the hopes it helps someone else in my situation, or a similar one, to know that it CAN go the way you hope, and also for advice on the plot twist at the end. Get your mimosas ready, its story time.
I’ve only recently embraced that I was gay. For the longest time its been “maybe i am” but ive never felt an attraction, romantic or sexual, to another man. (Dont get me wrong, younger Brad Pitt has always been hot, gay or not.) I had however realized i do like my butt played with, thanks to an experimental first girlfriend with a great deal more experience than I. Sometime last year i found myself, well, urging for my bestfriend. “Im not gay, i just like it in the butt.” So I tried suppressing it. Unsuccessfully.
A few months ago though, I had a dream that we were beimg chased, in a life or death situation, cornered in a room, and out of ammo. There was a window we could have easily survived jumping through, but in our last moment, i wanted to kiss him. Instead, i screamed, and subsequently woke up from the startle.
This was the first time had no choice but to accept that I had an attraction to the same sex. There had been two guys befpre that had made me question it, but they turned out to be toxic, unhealthy individuals, and shortly left them out of my life, so i didnt have to explore the idea. This time though, there was no escape.
The next few months I found myself more and more in his company. Being alone only left my mind to wander to him, and being around him made me so happy that I could forget my love, and just enjoy his company. He is not a new friend, and we have been through all sorts of adventures, antics, fights with no reason when sobered, etc etc. We’ve learned from eachother time and time again, and grown as a result. Well, the time together only allowed me to see the reasons why my silly brain told me I loved him, and cement the idea from a “it was just a dream” into the “oh yeah, this is happening,” as well as torture myself because if he would reject me as gay, i would be left without the best friend ive come to rely on this past year.
A few nights ago, we had a unremarkably average night of drinking, closed down the bar, and went back to his place to finish off the night on our own doscount booze, as per the usual. I’ve been dealing with anger management issues of my own, and we somehow ended up on the subject. I told him about the angry, violent thought cycles i catch myself in, and how I am scared of what I am capable of. He told me he wasnt scared of me (in a non-bravado way), and how he was happy I could admit I had a problem. Most people that have seen my darker side are usually terrified. To be accepted as having a problem to manage instead of a monster to be distanced from sent me over the edge, and I started crying. He laughed, comforted me, and went to fetch some water and a napkin. I decided if he could accept me in this way, like no other had, then why couldn’t I confess another nagging subject. Besides, what else is being drunk at 4am having for? I must have been visibly battling the decision, becaused he asked if i was ok.
“I’m gay.” As simple as that. I had entered the Twilight Zone. No movie script confession drawn out? Nope, as short as it could be. I couldn’t believe it. He did. “Well there it is I guess,” he said just as simple, and without pause. He started with something comforting and of acceptance. Fuck it, ive gone this far “For you” He smiled, chuckles, and shook his head. “Sorry bro, I like women” I smiled, chuckled and shook my head. “I know” The following words exchanged lasted about 10-15 minutes, and contained every comforting phrase of acceptance for me I could have ever hoped for. I havent cried like that in years. What happened next I never could have expected.
After the conversation teetered off, we continued about our late night routine of video games, untill he motioned for me to follow outside, to smoke I pressumed. I told him I was good, but he motioned again. Perhaps he wanted to continue our earlier conversation. He lit his smoke in his usual dapper style, and hit me with the psychological left-hook.
“I’ll give you a blowjob if you give me one.” 😮 I damn-near fell over, let out an “oh dear” George Takei would have been proud of and slouched against the nearby wall to avoid fainting into it. “Im not gay, im just really horny. This girl at the bar blah blah blah” it started to drown out as my heart and mind raced faster than my motorcycle could ever hope. I had no desire to receive, (as ive become a definite sub in my own experimentation), but to have one time with him? Would it sate me, to have my first gay encounter the man who turned me, and move on woth acceptance for myself? Or would it be the first taste of an addiction to him i could never have. Would it be the tipping point for him, and send him hurdling towards me? No, i decided, it would it become the very thing that had tormented me for months and kept me from my confession. It would become the awkwardness of my presence, the sexual elephant in the room every time I was around. I couldn’t risk it. He was still defending his hetero masculinity. I cut him off mid-fib “No, I won’t.” I hated myself “Are you sure, because blah blah blah” “No, we’re both drunk.” In truth the last hour had become rather sobering for me. He kept pressing the issue. I was begining to get flustered. The urge to obey was becoming to much. I had to think fast. “You’re going to sleep on it. If you still have the urge, my door will always be open.” He said ok, but kept on about it for another minutes or so while I couldnt believe i had said no to the person i so desired. He was still talking, i think about how he was still my friend and accepted my gay, though i heard none of it. It became too much for me. I caved. “Fuck it, go sit down before I change my mind.” I stood and grabbed him, to look into him. Now it was too much for him. “Im not gonna kiss you.” “I don’t want to kiss you, i just want you.” As i threw him into the chair, it was he who had second thoughts. “No. No. Stop” My heart stopped, my brain fried, and i collapsed against the wall. It had all seemed like a beautiful dream, and now i was hallucinating. There was no way he had said he wasnt gay, then induged me, and backed out all the same. I had died on my motorcycle weeks ago and was just now entering the gates of hell for my sins, and satan wanted my confession. “I though maybe, what the hell, maybe i do like dudes, but when you put your hand on me i realized i blah blah blah.” His words droned on and ever distant. I had my chance and blew it. My head and face buzzed and became numb. I simultaneously couldnt think, and thought a million miles an hour. The stars never seemed so dim, even for all the light from the city. The same city stars Ive gazed up at for 26 years, colder than ever. I wanted to cry, but my body forgot how. I was damned. And then there was a light. “When we we in high school, me and (boy that he is distanced from now)-” “Stop” “But-” “No! I cant right now. I need a minute.” He started to say something again. “PLEASE STOP! If you want to talk about it later, we can, but ‘I’ need a minute.” “…..ok” he went inside. I sat bewildered staring at those same stars for about 5 minutes. They were still darker than i ever remembered, but now just a little brighter. When I could take the silence and my own thoughts no longer, I went inside, and told him needed to go home, luckily just down the street. He started to say something, and asked that I sit down. My own voice had never sounded so weak and stuttered. “Please dont, my brain is frazzled, and i really need to go home now.” He started again, and i repeated myself with an extra please and an emphasized really. “Ok”
Its been a few days now, and we’ve hung out like usual since then, and our exchanges are just as friendly as before, but ive never felt so distant and alone. He accepted my sexuality exactly how I hoped, but our close encounter has left me more unsure than before. Ive spent the 2 hours typing this out, and i hope it inspires someone. You may get exactly what you want. Tell them. Thats your in love with them. That youre not straight, that your trans, fluid, non-binary, whatever. If you love them, tell them. If they love you too, even if its not the way you want, they’ll accept you. Tell them. If they dont accept you for you, cut them out. Youre only hurting yourself bottling it up. Thats why ive shared this, because he is the only person I can and have told, and as much as I want to talk to him about it, I know he must need his own time to explore his own feelings