I was here quite a while ago then disappeared. I was pretty arrogant then. Not so much now. If you’re sick of this story, I understand. I’m sick to death of it.

I left my indifferent partner for a much younger woman with emotional problems. Our relationship was super intense. We had a little sex but sex was not the point. We just spent time together and held each other. M has physical and emotional pain and puts herself down constantly. All I wanted was to hear and affirm her. We connected instantly and more deeply than I’ve ever felt. I knew I couldn’t help her or “save” her. She just needed love and I needed to give it to her.

I’m manic depressive and have given myself a hard life (I’m on meds now, so it’s better, kind of). Loving M made my pain worth something.

My partner had a change of heart. She begged me to come back and demonstrated what seemed, and has proven to be, genuine love. I’d known M only a week or so and got scared, so I went back. It just about killed me.

Then followed months of torturing and lying to myself, lying to my partner, jerking M around, and jerking my partner around. This past summer, I finally committed for real to rebuilding with my partner. I do the work: I pay attention. I look for ways to make her happy and show her love. I give affection and make sex enjoyable for her. Problem is, it’s skinny love. My heart belongs to M.

M told me all the way back in March she wouldn’t try again. But she didn’t say she doesn’t love me, only that she thinks it won’t work. I suspect she’s stuck with the same thing I’ve got: love she can’t do anything with.

I don’t look at pictures of her or read our texts, but I see her face and hear her voice all the time. I write out my feelings and try to let go of her, but I can’t say goodbye.

I read things about how to fall in love again with your wife. But you have to want to, and I don’t. I want M and I can’t even begin to see how that could change.

This has never happened to me. I have strong feelings, but when it’s over, I let go. It takes a while, but I get over it. Not this time.

Is it right to keep trying and let my partner believe I love her more than I do? Am I sacrificing or just lying? Do I just live the rest of my life with this hole in my heart?