I apologize for this being so long.
I’m 26, my husband is 30. Been together almost 10 years, married for 6. Yes we got married when I was 20.

I love my husband very much. He is sweet, smart, good around the house, etc. we mesh very well. We have been through our ups and downs. I am in the military. I am currently deployed. Most of our relationship I have had the more masculine duties and he the feminine. Having been unemployed much of our marriage, he has handled most of the housework. I’ve never asked for much. If he’s not working then at least he is taking care of the dishes, laundry etc. my husband is very sweet. He never curses at me, calls me names, hits me or drinks too much. When we first met he was a bit rough and had more of a defiant attitude but with age he is much more mellow and relaxed. Generally when we fight its over money, and that’s rare. I know a lot of women would love to have a guy like him.

So what’s the problem? Recently he quit his part time job. Due to circumstances I don’t bland him but although he claims he’s been “looking” I think he’s mostly been sitting around the house watching tv. I feel like I am in the Army working my ****** off day in and day out to support us and that I don’t have a choice because he never will. He dropped out of college before we met. He has no specific trade skills. I’ve tried for years to get him to go back to school but he always has excuses like what if it’s a waste of time or some reason about later but not now. I feel do frustrated and tired that if I want my family to be taken care of, the burden will always be on me. I got to thinking about this bc we don’t have kids yet but plan to when I get back. I know he will be a great and loving father, but I also know he will never be the provider. Lately this just makes me feel so tired. I don’t want to sit around and have it easy, but it would be nice to know I had help financially. I feel like I can’t rely on him to “be a man”.

Next major issue is (I’m sure you guessed it) sex. First off, I don’t feel sexually attracted to him at all really. For years I really haven’t. I love him but I don’t think he’s “hot” or whatever. I tried to get him to cut his long hair bc I think sort hair is so much more attractive but he refuses. I still find other men attractive but I just don’t feel any kind of pull or desire for his body. It makes me feel terrible bc I know he finds me very attractive.

Our sex life is fantastic in his eyes but meh in mine. I am very quiet in bed and don’t feel comfortable just telling him what to do. But with that I feel like after almost 10 years together I shouldn’t have to tell him what to do. I mean, I still enjoy sex with him but I feel like a lot of the times I do it for him. Not to brag but generally sex is really great for him- I do everything, fetish etc that he likes. I’m pretty open minded and don’t get freaked out by stuff really. I even use a strap on for him bc he likes anal, but honestly this just makes me feel like I have to be the “man” even in the bedroom. Foreplay can last a long time but sex is always over pretty quickly. He’s never lasted very long and rarely wants to go twice. I kind of feel like I enjoy sex during the act but I never get anywhere so I have to little sexual drive. I have never had an orgasm in our nearly 10 year relationship.

So what’s the dilemma? I met someone else. A coworker who started out as a friend, then flirtation, then feelings developed too. It started out with us just talking. I was his friend and he was going through an unwanted divorce of his wife (also of 10 years). She had cheated on him and left him, taking his kids too. He was a mess. We started texting all day every day. From “good morning” at 6am until I got home at night. Even when we were at work we texted so no one would catch on that we talked more like gf/bf than friends. Everything between us built from flirtation to me sneaking over to his house to make out like teenagers over a few months. in total we’ve been talking as. “More than friends” for about 5-6 months now. He was firey, passionate, dedicated, hard working. While respecting my independence he always had more of a traditional values on what a man should be. He was funny and sweet. Incredibly guarded it took me months to feel like we were close, and he opened up to me like he hadn’t to anyone else most of his life. We kissed. I found, and find, him incredibly physically attractive. While his ex left him with poor self esteem and doubting his sexual abilities, I think he’s fantastic. We never had sex, but we did fool around a bit many times. Not that it matters but he’s very well endowed. What we did short of sex I found more intoxicating and pleasurable than any actual sex I’d had in years. He seemed to know exactly what to do and made me feel very comfortable. I wanted him badly but always said no to sex bc I wasn’t ready to make that risk. A little while after being deployed to different bases we got even more heated. We would talk for hours a day, trading pictures and finally I told him that I felt like I had fallen in love with him. I wanted us to finally sleep together when I moved to his base. Overnight he confessed that he wanted to be with me, in a real relationship, he wanted me to leave my husband, he wanted us to be together. He said he couldn’t have sex with me because he realized he couldn’t do what his wife had done to him. I told him I love my husband but I love him too and I don’t know what to do. He told me that he can’t keep being someone’s guy on the side with someone he wants to actually be with.

I told him I understand and we’ve basically gone back to being “just friends”. But I still think about him. I miss talking to him and having him in my life. God knows I want him sexually. But I understand that he deserves better than having to hide his relationships and also I know, I really know, that the whole thing is wrong top to bottom regardless of if we had sex or not.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I really truly love my husband. I love the life we have together, our pets, our home, his family are like my family. Our little inside jokes and how I know he loves me completely but I also feel like he may never “grow up” or be the man I need him to be. I know I have feelings for my friend, he has a lot of qualities my husband lacks, and I can see having a future with him but how can it be worth giving up so much and deeply hurting my husband forever to be with him? Yet I can’t get him off my mind.

I’m sorry this is so long and thanks for anyone who took the time to read it all. I’m not sure what I’m looking for, I guess I’m just lost.