Is my wife asexual or having an affair?
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Hello,
I am 35 years old from Mumbai and got married 10 years ago. It was an arrange marriage. I have a high sex desire and love to try new things in sex. I like to try role-playing and deeply interested in BDSM but like a typical Indian lady, my wife is not much interested in sex.
She doesn’t even feel sex desire at all. Somehow I was managing things for the past 10 years but suddenly, last year my father expired and my mother moved with us. Now due to a small house, we all are forced to sleep in one room, including my son. As there is no privacy, we are unable to have sex, and to my amusement, she doesn’t talk about not getting a chance to have sex. Every time the topic of sex comes, she blames my mother for that. Few times when I get a chance to kiss her, I felt it was extremely cold and from someone who doesn’t want to kiss. She sometimes gives me a blow job (only when I insist) but never talks about not getting penetrative sex.
I like to have sex with a person who thinks that having sex is her right and likes to enjoy it, and also who is eager to try new things but with my wife it is completely opposite to that. I feel either is she asexual or having an affair where her sex desire is getting fulfilled outside.
I am really fed up living without sex for a year and I don’t know when I will have normal sex life. Please guide me what to do?
Answers ( 4 )
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You may not believe this, but often we choose a User name that best describes us. It is in our sub-conscious mind and the first thing that appears when we register. So what has this for to do with your question? It could describe why your wife is treating you the way she is in matters of sex. Somewhere, she is retaliating for the way you may have treated he in the past.
Unfortunately, sex is an activity that either grows or dies. If it is not fed as often as it should be, the desire reduces considerably, stagnates and then fizzles out, especially for a woman. Your mother moving in with you is not going to help matters. You will need to find a solution to this, either by moving into a larger house or making arrangements for your mother to stay in your village etc. If your wife and mother, has cordial relations then she can continue staying with you all.
If your wife was having an affair, then you would have noticed the signs. Her desire to look the best and keeping herself well groomed, or her desire to keep the mobile close to herself. But this is just your imagination. The fact is that you have allowed sex to die and now need to make efforts to revive the passion. It is never too late. You have to begin and the best way to start is with yourself. Get rid of your ego. Life is too short to live by it.
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You did not provide enough information about your wife like; does she work outside or housewife? Her family background, upbringing, her education. She seems to be like low sex drive woman and you are opposite to her. If possible, get a separate room for both of you and see the effect. She might not be comfortable with the space and it makes her disinterest in sex. Go for out station for some days and spend a quality time with her. Do not force her to have sex as she might be having some issues and issues can be any physical or emotional. I am rule out the outside affair as there is no evidence for that in your prescription.
It is very hard to make her act as per your wish after ten years of married life, accept her as she is. You can convey her wish to have sex when she is in romantic mood. Only trick work for you is showing your love and affection to her. Give some gift and remind her good days. Remember, men give love to get sex while women give sex to get love.
Best of luck
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You never want to try “understand a women” because what they think is always illogical and irrelevant. They have a tendency to follow on a particular track once they feel its correct for them and nobody in the world can change it. If she has made up a mind then it will be really hard for you to change her. You can expect woman to think from all point of view as how we guys think.
You are still lucky that she fulfills your blow job desire. Male always have a high desire for sex through direct approach. There are not that many options for man but woman has. They can have their high sex desire directly or through different channel like emotional, love, cherish, taking care, hormonal cycles and much more. Most of the time its through emotional approach.
You should try to give her few gifts on special occasions (roses, chocolates etc). Try to go out for a walk. Take a short break and see if you guys can go out alone somewhere to make it special. Go for movies(once you make a routine then slowly start watching R rated with some kissing scenes if possible – You guys were watching it before marriage or after marriage for some time and then it died completely so restart it) , candle light dinner at some restaurant(if possible), friends get to gather etc so that she can come out from her daily routine life. It’s a tendencies that woman will forget about sex after some time and start loving children, kitchen, taking care of family etc which is a good thing. There are always different options like couple counselling, sex therapist, marriage counselling etc. It’s not necessary at this point but you never know.
It’s hard for men to give love to their wife with out sex so try different things and see if she can come out of it which is not that easy for woman. It’s always hard to think from somebody’s point of view that how other person thinks. Make a habit of saying “I love you” three times daily and see. It’s not golden words that going to change suddenly but you never know.
Just try to love her for some time (might be days, week, months or years) and see if that sparkling can come again in her life otherwise be happy because you can’t get all the wishes you want in life. Don’t ask too much in return because then it becomes lust. Just think that you are the luckiest person in the world since she has accepted you from her heart. Believe me its not easy for a woman to do blowjob and if she is does then its a great thing because she has accepted you completely.
Keep on trying new different things and you should be fine.
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I can see a few things straight away. No privacy, having her mother in law in her house, sharing the bedroom not only with her mother in law, but her son as well; and you wonder why doesn’t climbing all over you for some passion? You are excited by BDSM well, that’s not everyone’s cup of tea, and perhaps the idea of being tied up or spanked or degraded while M I L and son watch just doesn’t float her boat.
She gives you a blow job if you insist, again, perhaps she gets no sexual excitement from being forced to do things. I suspect she’s put up with ten years of sex which has never been fulfilling for her, and she’s tired of the whole idea. I can’t say I blame her!!!
Get a bigger place, so you have some privacy, try talking to her, and LISTEN TO WHAT SHE SAYS!!! By discussing both your needs, yours and hers, you may find a way to put some sparkle into a marriage which sounds as if it’s never been much to write home about. Your wife is a living, breathing, feeling, emotional being, who isn’t there just to be your unpaid servant and sex toy, she has needs and desires, and probably even had dreams once upon a time, none of which would have included looking after M I L and submitting to things she didn’t like. So take her into consideration, and maybe things might improve.