Jealous fiance! Should I leave after 11 years?

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  • My fiancee is very jealous and controlling. We have been together for 11 years- since I was 18, he 21. We have 3 kids (ages 3, 6, 9) and bought a house last year. We’ve been engaged for 3 years, with no immediate plans to marry. Almost since day 1, he has accused me of talking to/sleeping with/ looking at/ flirting with other guys, and lately of girls too! He checks my text messages and facebook daily (I let him, I have nothing to hide), and it doesn’t matter if there’s nothing to find- he can turn ANYTHING into something. Ex. an old college acquaintance (a girl) and I message maybe once a year to catch up, and every time we say the usual–“we should meet up”, etc. to catch up. 2 weeks ago, he “discovered” this in my facebook inbox and flipped out! “What’s that supposed to mean, let’s meet up??!!” That’s just the latest of his tirades, i won’t waste the time and effort to type all of the other ridiculous things he’s done. Let’s just say that I am a cheating **** who is always sneaking around behind his back–in his mind.

    I’ve tried all different ways to deal with this- accommodating him by cutting myself off from all of my friends to the point that they don’t even invite me out anymore, they know I won’t come anyway. I’ve tried not letting him control me by saying No, I’m going to go see my friends anyway I don’t care what you say, etc. I’ve tried completely ignoring him when he does it, I’ve tried yelling and screaming when he does it, I’ve tried calmly talking to him and having heart-to-hearts and telling him how it makes me feel when he does it. These talks have happened, let me see, ohhh about 734 times. It doesn’t change. Each and every time he ends up apologizing and saying he knows he’s wrong, he will work on it, he will go for counselling, he will change, he doesn’t want to lose me, blah blah blahhhh (can you tell I’m tired of it?).

    In any case, 13 days ago, there was another blow up, and I left. I picked the kids up from daycare and took them to my moms, ignoring all his phone calls and texts until the next evening, when he said he wanted to see the kids. Until today, I’ve said only a handful of words to him–right now there doesn’t seem to be any point in wasting any breath on the issue anymore. It won’t make a difference. So we got to a point of being civil and have made a temporary arrangement with the kids (we each have them for 4 days). In the last 2 weeks he’s flipped the switch 6 times. First he was mad, saying he doesn’t need me, etc. Then he kissed ***. And so on and so on.

    Now he’s saying I’m being selfish and unreasonable- that he’s a good guy, good luck finding someone better, you act like our whole life is bad, think of the kids, how can i just throw it all away, for the most part things are good its just one problem…… But to me (and anyone I’ve ever told about this agrees), it is a big enough problem where it controls me everyday, and have to screen my texts to see if there’s anything he’ll get mad over, and have anxiety all the time wondering if he’s going to blow up over some stupid **** again? Yes, there are good things in our life- otherwise I would have left a LONG time ago. But I’ll be ****ed if I teach my kids that this is okay, I will never let someone treat my girls that way or my son to treat a girl that way.

    I totally understand that there’s compromise in relationships. I don’t expect to be able to go out all the time with my friends or have tons of guy friends or anything like that. But I don’t think there should ever be fear in my stomach when talking to a male of any sort (and now females as well!). It shouldn’t be an issue at all to go for lunch with some friends on a weekday! Am I wrong?
    I’m 100% convinced he will never change. If this relationship continues, it will only be because I’m bowing down and allowing it. I also wouldn’t choose to break up my family when the kids are so young- of course I want to live happily ever after. Just not like this.
    PS. His family’s policy is “stick by your man no matter what” and there isn’t a single divorce in his whole family based on that policy. The men are allowed to do whatever- alcoholics, have women on the side, etc….the wife stays. So you can imagine the “advice” I’m getting from the inlaws.

    My question: is this one of those compromises you make when in general, everything else is okay? I’ve been told this is abuse, and I believe it (most days). Stay or leave? Leaving is harder than staying- otherwise like I said, I would have left 10 years ago.

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