my Ex cheated on our 6-year relationship while I moved out of my home for higher studies. I found out 2 months ago and instead of confronting her, I just texted the guy’s name to her and blocked her from everywhere.

I also posted that here 2 months ago

She tried to contact me in every possible way to get back together. She said she would do anything I asked her to do, but I refused and told her to move on and find someone better. After that, she started threatening to kill herself and sent pictures from high buildings indicating she would jump. I blocked her again from everywhere. sometime she used to call me from our friends number so I just got a new number.

Yesterday was her birthday, and all the good memories came back to me. I’ve known this person for almost 8 years of my life, and I still truly love her even after what she has done to me, And then I made the worst decision of my life I called her I thought I would say happy birthday and then I will cut the call. When she picked up the call, I almost started crying, but I composed myself and wished her. then she started crying and said she wasn’t going to celebrate her birthday, and it made her day, then we talked about our life and how are we doing, then she again goes down the path of we should get back together and She said made a big mistake and she is not that person anymore and she will prove to me that she has changed. I don’t know what got into me. I got really triggered and started calling her names. I released all the frustration that I had built up for months. I slut-shamed her. I can’t believe I told her, ‘Why hasn’t she jumped yet?’ She was crying, and I just cut the call. It felt good at that time, this was the first time I had let my emotions burst and said the actual things that I wanted to say to her.

Today afternoon she messeged me on gpay “sorry for everything” I laughed it off even showed them to my college friends. Few hours later one of our common friends called me to infrom that she has cut her wrist multiple time and now addmited to hospital and she is in critical condition. I felt numb, I couldn’t breath. It felt like for a few minutes the whole world stopped around me. I quickly called her mother (her parents knew about our situation before and after the breakup but didn’t know the reason for the breakup. Her mother used to adore me, she even used to call me when I was away from home for my studies). She was crying uncontrollably, telling me to come back as soon as possible, she was still unconscious, she even left a suicide note saying sorry to me. I really didn’t know how to tell this lady that I am the shitty person who pushed her to do this.

I really don’t know what to do from here. I’ve just locked myself in my room, sitting in the dark. I don’t think I’ll be able to live if something happens to her.I know I shouldn’t have called. I fucked up big time, I wish I were there with her. I wish I could tell her how stupid I was to say those horrible things to her, and I forgive her. I cant live with the guilt that the last memory I would have of her would be me telling her to kill herself, and then she actually does it.

sorry for venting, I got no one to talk about my emotions nowdays