Hi all,

Apologies if this sounds like a blog or a rant, I just want to pen what I’m going through and  to paint a holistic picture.

I have been one of those who would avidly check  for new questions on Ask Anjali, fantasize and have several happy endings in the bathroom.

Today, however is my time to ask a question. A small brief about myself: I hail from a typical Indian middle class conservative family. Growing up, I was always reminded that education, hard work and honesty are the Hallmark of a true gentleman and so always strived for it. My family was never strict, I was raised by my grandparents and they never constrained me. I didn’t smoke or consume any liquor and I don’t scoff at the ones who do.

All was well, I was happy go lucky. I had a fling with my university classmate , got ditched, she married a very successful guy who graduated out of IIM and my life moved on. Career was successful, had a fun time visiting many countries , even got citizenship for another country, though my heart still beats for India. I currently work for a very large MNC and blessed with a good job.

Had a few other flings during the period, had a long distance sexting relationship with a colleague at work. My parents were searching for a bride. I wanted to get married – the travels and the loneliness just got to me. Got married at 28, an arranged marriage, but we had dated for a year. Until this point I turned down sexual offers from colleagues, I was the opinion that I should be pure and have sex with my wife only. She was a virgin – not that I cared for it – I believe that a woman has the same rights as a man.

Now – post marriage after 1 week, I had to leave my wife due to her visa issues. I got in touch with my sexting friend and she just lured me in. I was stupid enough to follow her. She is married now, and regrets what she did – but damage done.  My sex life was very bad, my wife was not passionate, she never initiated any action in bed. She was against ’69’ position, she even stopped me from licking her clit.

I just couldn’t control myself , got sucked into the world of omegle and kik and started sharing nudes etc. My wife got to know this and we had a major showdown. It lasted for several months and finally we decided to bury the hatchet and move on. She realized that she wasn’t satisfying me enough – I honestly wanted her to divorce me and get married to a better man. I loved her and I couldn’t see her in pain being with me. To call her immature is very unfair – I would say she never looks at the big picture in life and is too bogged down with small details.

Despite these , we soldiered on – I stopped my social media escapades and tried controlling my urges. I was having sex 2-3 times a month and that too after persuasions. My wife is a very talented and successful professional in the hospitality industry.

Now, a year and half ago at this university class, my first ex GF reached out and recounted our memories. We then met at our university during my vacation and as the evening wore on, she did something which I never thought she would. She grabbed me and wanted me to hug and kiss her. I panicked and left – I was confused. She is an extremely successful professional for a very large MNC.

A year went by and she reached out to me when I was alone. I refused to meet her. I was scared. It’s been 17 months since I had sexual intercourse. My wife is a bit hesitant for sex post the birth of our son. I am on vacation and I met her yesterday – all she wanted was just to meet me. I met her – we went in the car , she was dressed super sexily – a low cut blouse revealing most of her back , a beautiful blue saree. We were just talking and she suddenly tapped her hand on my thigh.

It got me excited. She told me about her life and the lack of excitement and the fact that she loves me. I held her hand..in my excitement, I pinched her navel . Got a message at this point and I backed off. She then continued driving, my hands reached for her navel again , I moved my hand into her blouse , into her bra and felt her hard nipples, she moaned a bit. She reached for my bulge and asked me to unzip my pants. She felt it through my undies and applauded the thickness. This continued for more than 30 minutes. I then thought of my wife and my son and couldn’t do it. We didnt have any intercourse.

I did share nudes with random people in the past , but had a strict policy of no physical contact except my wife. Yesterday I broke all of that. I’m just feeling empty and hollow. I have already masturbated 3 times thinking about it. I hate myself for it. I just want a simple normal honest life but my sexual urges are a big blocker.

For those who read this in it’s entirety , my sincere thanks.

A small bit about me – I have a crazy sexual urge , I have had erections since the age of 5 . I masturbate 6-7 times a day at times.