I’m writing on here in hopes that expressing my anguish and sharing my story will help MYSELF in this healing process. I met my husband just over two years ago and by every means he was mr.right. He is an amazing stepfather and the best father I can ask for. But as a husband he has severely let me down. When we were first living together I caught him once watching porn. His reaction was something to the effect of ” we’ll are u going to let me **** you or do i have to take care of myself?”. I explained to him in a very emotional argue ebt that I had dealt with porn an cheating in my last relationship with the father of my oldest and that I couldn’t allow myself to be put in the same situation again. He cried and told me he understood. He also shared w me that he had been molested and forced to watch porn and perform sex acts at a very young age. It was a sickness e said and he was glad I had caught him. He said he would never do it again. Fast forward two years. In my gut I knew something was wrong. All of a sudden I became very paranoid of porn again, even though I seemingly had no reason to mistrust him. After the one incident there had been no more. We’ve had an amazing sex life; I’m not a prude in any sense of the word. We’ve visited sex shops, bought toys, experiment w anal, I please him orally almost daily! Im young and attractive and not overweigjt or ugly. Yet still, I felt something was wrong. When I would ask him he would look me in the eyes and swear to me that he was “past that”. I’ve always been very intuitive and so I decided to search all our computers. They came up empty. Almost, at least. While looking at his Facebook activity log I noticed he had searched things like “sexiest natives” and “curvy sexy natives” as well as old flings. When I confronted him (nicely, mind you) he at first denied it, then fessed up. He said he felt terrible about himself but I needed to stop acting like he had been watching porn. He said he knew that If he looked at porn he’d feel even worse so he tried just looking at pics of beautiful non naked women ( still horrible). I believed him but my gut still wouldn’t rest. So I searched the cookies on his iPhone and found the mother load of porn sites. He had lied to me to my face looking into my eyes and swearing for over TWO YEARS!!!! I am so hurt. It’s been almost a week and i still feel like I will never get over this. He was my best friend, my true love, and I know in my heart that things will never be the same. I want to help him heal from his sexual abuse but I cannot do it when I feel like I no longer love him the same. I have absolutely zero trust in him and can anyone blame me? I sit here night after night crying and reading self help articles, both for his healing and mine. I feel horrible that he is capable of such lies for so long and fear what it could lead to. This is a realistic fear. I feel like although I’m beautiful I will never be good enough to fill the void he has that porn was fulfilling for him. I’ve reacted in an odd way, demanding more sex than usual in an attempt to make me feel sexy, to make me feel validated. I know how unhealthy this is. I no longer feel capable of making love to him; only capable of “****ing” him. I imagine myself bein those other women, being wanted and lusted after. I’m currently 4 almost 5 months pregnant. I almost attempted to commit suicide last weekend by driving onto the wrong side of the freeway. Every time I see a billboard for a strip club I break down in tears. Every time I see a beautiful woman I die a little inside, wondering how my husband that I’ve loved so fully would think about her. The jealousy and insecurity and mistrust is killing me inside. I don’t know how to leave him. I’m afraid to be alone again, this time w 3 children and only 23 years old. But I know how sick this is making me. I’m no longer the woman he fell in love with. I’m jealous, angry, bitter and naggy. I need help.