Its been a while since I’ve been on, and if anybody remembers me, I had spoken about my husband who had tried having sex with women, constant lies, hiding things, hitting on women, etc. Pretty much the whole shebang. I realized I deserved better and went ahead and filed for the divorce. My husband was deployed when our court date was set so they rescheduled it and it is on Dec 3. Coming up soon!

SORRY THAT MY POST IS LONG. I haven’t had anyone to talk to so I’m kind of getting this all out now. But if you could bear thru it and read it then give me advice, that’d be great. It feels a little bit better letting some of this out. :[ I don’t have any friends here to talk to about any of this…

Ever since all of this stuff that’s happened, I’ve just lost interest in sex. Knowing he was trying to get it from others when I was clearly giving it to him, just made me not want to do anything with him. Why do anything when I’m already giving him what he wanted and he was trying to get more from some lady he doesn’t even know!? Don’t get me wrong, when he came home from deployment we caught up on the past 7 months we missed out on. Then it all halted when he was on his email and I saw that on his messenger list was the chick he completely lied to me about. Saying that all he did was give her a ride to her house. I friended her and she said something totally different. Nothing bad like sex, but that they dated and everything, spent all this time together, etc. All I heard from him was that … ok that’s a diff story. So anyways, I saw her and I was like ‘who is that?’ and he is like ‘you know who’. Figured that one out. Then he couldn’t understand why I was upset. He is like ‘I didn’t add her she just showed up’. Yeeeaaahh Ok. Then it turned into ‘I forgot to delete her’, then it turned into ‘I cant delete her because I don’t know how to’. So that moment right there killed the whole week long ‘honeymoon phase’ from when he got home. After that it just went back downhill.

I’m not sure if it has anything to do with it, but I had problems with my Mirena. So much crap that I had to schedule and appt to get it taken out. So for a weeks I was in constant pain in my uterus I didn’t want to have sex. I would at times because I knew he wanted to, but I would have to stop him when the pain got bad. Then when I had it removed I bled horribly for about a week. I’m saying, thru my tampon, my pantyliner, undies, and onto my pants. There was no way in hell I was going to have sex when I’m bleeding that much. The bleeding finally stopped (thank God!!)

Then last week came, which was the Marine Corps Ball. Ours was in Vegas this year (our last one since he is getting out next year). We didn’t have a baby sitter so the kids had to come with us (2 and 3 yrs old). They had babysitting there for us during the ball. My husband was just horrible to the boys. We had a penthouse suite and the boys would jump on the floor and my husband would flip out. Nobody could hear them, I’m sure. We live in a 2 story and can hear when someone walks upstairs and didn’t sound at all like that. PLUS I’m sure the hotels are built better than on base housing. Penthouses are usually party rooms so they are sound proof almost. Every time he would flip out and yell at the boys, it would **** me off. I just wanted to have a good time and all my husband could do is yell at the boys. (not to mention my husband favors our youngest over our oldest and its very very obvious. He will yell at my oldest for something, but if my youngest does the same thing, he does nothing. That’s another thing that just ****ES me off. I feel like he has no love towards my oldest son. that’s another thing that sets me over the edge). The boys would run down the hotel hallway and my husband would yank them and, go fig, that would **** me off. He even said ‘well you didn’t want to leave the kids with someone’. I don’t know anybody that can watch our kids because I don’t know anyone in our state. Its not my home state so there’s no family there. He expected me to find someone online that would babysit them. I’m NOT leaving my kids with someone I don’t know, but he has no problem with doing that. After all the fiasco of yelling at the boys, I’m not exactly in the mood for sex. He tries, but I’m still upset at things he said to me and how he treated the boys. Then he gets upset because we ‘never’ have sex. Flashback to two years ago, I gave it up every time and he still went out twice looking to have sex with other women, so it obv doesn’t matter if I give it to him or not because he will go elsewhere looking for it. So for the two days in Vegas – complete upset and I even ended up crying the night of the Ball. Makeup all done, hair all pretty, in a beautiful ball gown… and I’m in the bathroom bawling my eyes out because of my husband. Yay… I did have sex that night with him. I wasn’t feeling it but shoot… he wanted to. He had a bubble bath with candles, music, and wine so I thought I’d ignore my tiredness and go ahead.

The day after we get back from Vegas I got to go to a concert for my FAVORITE band. It was a Meet and Greet plus concert. I paid extra to get their super early to meet the band in person, talk to them, get an autograph, and take a picture with the band. I was in HEAVEN. I went alone though so I was bummed I had nobody to talk to. Let me just say this was the perfect night. I was standing against the stage, front row, right in front of the mic. I got the set list, and the lead singer’s guitar pic (lead singer is my fav member out of the whole group). He got down in my face plenty of times and sang. It was unbelievable. The concert was at a tavern, so they served beer. My husband was sending mean texts because I wasn’t texting him often and he was ****ed the concert was going to be so late (he is never been to a concert so he doesn’t understand they run late at night) Then he started accusing me of drinking because there’s ‘no way I can go to a bar and not drink’. What!? I’m not an alcoholic at ALL. I have drinks with my family and that’s pretty much it. I got home and was telling him all about my best night ever and he was hateful. The next day, completely hateful again. Dissing the lead singer, and the band. Bashing them about everything and saying that I need to go to a psychiatrist because I love them so much. This band helped me thru the roughest time in my life. The time when I tried to kill myself, self hatred, cutting.. finding them helped me thru all of that. To diss something that saved me, that’s a low blow. Despite how much I tell him to stop saying crap about them, he doesn’t. Then after being mean to me, he tries to make moves. Dude, you cant be mean about my favorite band then expect me to have sex with you!!!

I’m not sure if its the new birth control I’m on since I had the Mirena out, but I just feel like ****. When he was gone and it was just me and the boys, I swear the sky was shining bright blue, the days were great, I had energy… I loved life. I was happy. He is here and I feel like I’m looking through a grey film. The world looks so blah now. Its back to staying at home because he gets to take my car to work because his car is broken. Back inside these four walls and unhappy. I just feel like laying down every second of every day, maybe having a good cry here or there. He keeps trying to make advances but I just don’t want to be touched at all. I don’t want kisses. I’m not sure if its because these past few weeks have just been horrible. The birth control problems, Vegas being a complete fail, hateful talking, etc. I seriously don’t have a drive at all for sex. Last night he wanted to do something but I, of course, didn’t. Idk why. I just want to sleep the whole day away. So last night we were in bed on our phones, playing a racing game against each other. He put his phone up but I was texting my parents. He ended up falling asleep. I remembered that I still didn’t brush my teeth so I go up quietly to brush them. While in the bathroom I reclosed my bra and pants (which he undid while I was laying there. Not to mention the day before I woke up in the middle of the night to him undoing my bra and pants and my shirt being lifted up. He never listens when I say to not do that. Nothing makes me feel worthless quite like groping up on me in the middle of the night. I’m not a sex doll, I have feelings and when he does that it makes me feel like **** and worthless. Yes I’ve told him that already) So I get back in bed and he wakes up. He rolls over and goes ‘you buttoned your pants and bra?’ and I go ‘yeah’. He rolls back over and then a few minutes later gets up and goes downstairs. Im not sure why he was so upset that I buttoned up my clothes again 1) he was asleep 2) I wasn’t wanting to do anything anyways. I don’t know when he came upstairs. I fell asleep and he wasn’t there. He was there when I woke up though. I can ONLY imagine what he was doing downstairs. Personally, I don’t mind if he masturbates. Shoot, I’m not in the mood so I don’t expect him to hold it all in until I’m ready. So its not like I’m mad at him for that, I’m not. Everyone does that stuff.

So this morning he just laid in bed on his phone for about two hours. I went upstairs into the room about 5 times because I was cleaning. Id go upstairs to put stuff up, get dirty clothes, empty the trashcans, etc. He never said one thing to me or looked at me. Just his phone. My son came upstairs saying daddy pulled his hair so I went downstairs to ask why he is saying that. My husband snapped at me that he didn’t even touch him. Asked my son again when we were upstairs and he said that his brother did it, not daddy. So great, I just got yelled at by my husband because I believed my son. I was just asking why my son was saying that and my husband was like ‘no you just came down acting like I did it’. I go ‘no. what did I say? I asked why is he saying it. trying to figure this out.’ So the only time we talk and its fighting. I feel so distant from everything when he is around. I know the divorce is going to take a while, and since we are getting a divorce, I’m not really looking to ‘respark’ things. I’ve tried countless times and it was pointless. But my lack of sex drive is just making this worse. I wanted to have civil divorce, and so far it was going great, until my sex drive vanished. I’m 21… aren’t I supposed to be wanting sex 24/7? I don’t think its worth seeing a doctor over because I’m not sure if its just the toll from everything that’s happened recently. I feel physically and emotionally drained. Every time I say that I’m exhausted my husband gets upset because that’s code for ‘I don’t want sex’. Idk what to do. Now its just constant fighting because I don’t want to be bothered with. I don’t want kisses, I don’t want to make out, I don’t want hugs. I want to be left alone. I want to be back home with my family. I want this divorce to go through and be settled already so I can just move on with my life. But this whole no-sex-drive thing is making us fight constantly and he just doesn’t understand that its just me not wanting to do anything because I just don’t have the desire for it. All its bringing is fighting. Idk what to do :[ I don’t like having sex just to shut him up. I believe its something that should really be felt, not ‘ok find here you go.. I’ll give it to you just because you wont stop whining’.