This is a confession cum suggestion for all the people from my generation. Please go through it and understand the urgency and feelings behind it.

I got married in June 2020, in the presence of minimum relatives as per government norm. It was arranged marriage fixed in January and we had ample amount of time to know each other. I had couple of boyfriends, innumerable one night stands and many hook-ups before marriage. Yes it all was my choice and with proper consent of my those partners. While there was a time when my then would be-husband had tried to ask me about my past, and I had told him that I am a virgin with absolutely no sexual past. He was a virgin and without any disrespect, he had told me that he had controlled himself and it was his wish to marry a virgin girl. However he didn’t feel losing your virginity before marriage was a crime. It’s just that he preferred a virgin wife as he believed in remaining himself so for her. When I told this to my friend, she told me to hide my past from him and reiterated that he will never find it out. Even if he finds it after marriage, due to situation of law in India, he can’t do any harm to me, rather I can file any case on him and his family.

I got married without letting him know about my past, due to pandemic we didn’t go for honeymoon so we had our first intimate session at our home only. On the very first night I realised he was totally inexperienced and virgin, while he found out about my lie. The session was over and with that his interest in me too. He just said in calm voice, ‘You shouldn’t have lied to me.I had one expectation from my wife, i had told it clearly and still I got fooled.’ That was our first and last time we had intimacy. He, being a true gentleman, never mentioned this to his family, outside our bedroom, he used to behave normally, but inside the bedroom we used to stay away from each other. I thought to give him some time to heal, as he was feeling guilty that he lost his virginity to someone who lied to him. Now there was no going back. His behaviour changed overnight. Although he didn’t shout, slap, beat or do anything that would harm me, but he started going inside his own shell. Started overthinking. While our family members used to look at us mischievously every morning, I could see him dying inside for no mistake of him. He got depressed and i didn’t try to do anything as I felt it will boomerang. And, one day, in July 2020, he passed away in his sleep due to cardiac arrest.

No-one, absolutely noone in my family blamed or even doubted me for his death.They are worried about my future now and here my thoughts about past are killing me. Please now don’t start commenting that it was not my fault. Did I have enough opportunities to convey truth to him? Yes. Did I do it willingly? Yes. Did I try to fool him? Yes. Did I get carried away by fake feminism propaganda, that I can take undue advantage of laws if needed ? Absolutely yes. I had even thought of plan B, if he tries to give me divorce over this.

But now, whatever I have lost is in front of you all. I wrote this confession to confess this to you as I can’t do it to anyone for some days at least, and also I want to give you one advice : If you are indulging in any relationship, intimacy, sex, one night stand, losing virginity or any such thing before marriage, you are free to do so, but please don’t hide it from your future partner. Don’t get carried away by partial propaganda. If having sex before marriage is your choice, then knowing about it is your partner’s choice too. This is applicable to men as well as women. Let your future partner know your actual self. Let them decide, and don’t be the reason behind situation like me. Take care.