My wife making my life a living hell. Need suggestions
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I got married at the age of 19, It was a love marriage. Have 2 children – Son (14) & Daughter (10). Problem is that my wife’s nature is not good towards me or any other member of my family. She often beat the kids, abuses my parents, my sisters and also she does not have good relation with her own brother’s and sisters. They too neglect her.
Any how I carried my married life with her till 20 years but now its like I am living in hell.I met a psychiatrist and he suggested some medicines too, which I have been giving her from last 2 years to make her calm, but now it too is not working.
Last year I caught her having an affair with my maternal uncle who is 20 years older than her, which I discussed on Ask anjali and forgave her for her deeds. But now she is uncontrollable, she fights a lot with me and now days again she has started beating the kids.
When I try to stop her for doing any nonsense, she threatens me for suicide or says that she will run away.
In last 20 years she has ran away 5 times and each time I found her and brought her back home, although she went no where other than her relatives home and once I caught her on railway station at the time of matter discussed about maternal uncle.
I can’t leave her as my kids need a mother , but can not live with her as I feel I will die due to heart attack because of every day fight .Due to all these tensions in last 2 years I became hypertensive and diabetic patient. I love my kids very much. I do not want to snatch their mother’s love from them. I am afraid that she may do something wrong in life and will put everyone in difficulties . This time I have decided not to go in search of her if she run away.
Can you please suggest any NGO working for Man in India. I want to get out of this shit .
Answers ( 4 )
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Most of the forum members shared their viewpoint on your issue and quite right in their own perspective.
You may go with anyone of the many suggestions or a hybrid solution of them.
Your fate is not different from many others who are also sailing in the similar boats individually.
I suggest you to wait with great patience with a soft n sweet approach towards your wife inspite of her arrogant attitude towards one & all. As you know that ‘Time is the greatest healing factor’ so believe in it and things will change for better in this life time of yours.
Your wife’s weight is 120 Kg and she definitely must be feeling low all the time, fearing less attention & love from your side. So, start making love to her on daily basis as before instead of once a week these days.
You may not be in the right mood all the time for this but then this is the right dose which may keep her hormones in control and over a period of time you may find a better change in her behaviour towards you and others.
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It seems a pure case of mental illness. Beating kids, running away from home, threatinig for suicide- a normal person doesn’t do this all. You know I feel pity for your children. They aren’t getting love of a normal mother.
Perhaps, somewhere in her past she may have suffered from a serious accident(mental). Try to find about her past as much as you can. This will surely help.
Isn’t there a single person whom she trusts? Any person with whom she maintains a good relationship. If there is any, then be sure that he/she can be a saviour. But your question doesn’t hint so.
You’ve mentioned that you consulted a psychiatrist also, so why don’t you take this way to the next level. I mean do consult some famous psychiatrist from around the country. You’ll have to spend a lot of money but it seems the best option. And yes I too agree that leaving her is not a good idea. So have some more patience and keep trying. I know it’s tough but this is the only option.
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I have gone through your question here and what i am willing to know from you is that all has it started since two years..?? What was her condition before two years..?? you have written that she ran away five times, if so did it happen during this two years..?? what i understand from your question is you both need a help from a counsellor, there are so many NGOs in different part of India who do the free of cost counselling for the couples and individuals but before proceeding that level If you just brief her case history little more it will be helpful for me to give you some solution here. I saw personally one couple with same situation, so i will try to help you out with that experience. Thank You.
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It seems like there are some deep rooted, long term issues that really need professional help.
At the base of this, do you still love her, or are you just trying to keep things together for the sake of your cildren?
My personal view is that stayng together for the sake of the kids serves nobody really. Parents that fight all the time do more psychological damage to children, even those who are older, not just the little ones, than if they divorce, and one or the other have custody. If there is still love for each other, it’s worth trying to get to the causes of the problems, but if you or she really just wishes to be free, then, regardless of other people’s expectations and wishes to uphold some misguided sense of honour or whatever, you’d be better off getting divorced. All the issues of custody and division of assets obviously make things more complicated and frustrating, but if the two of you can bear to be in the same room, sit and discuss, like adults should be capable of doing.
If you are honest with yourself, can you think of what caused things to start going wrong? Did you stop paying attention to her, or did you spend too much time working, leaving her feeling neglected. Or maybe she got so preoccupied with the kids that you felt like the stranger in your own house. These and many other things sow the seeds of disharmony that, if left to grow, can destroy a marriage. Guys always think in terms of break/fix, and usually don’t ask what made it break in the first place. You’re very good at talking, but not very good at listening. If you can really hear what she thinks, maybe you can both work together to save your marriage, after all, you made it this far!!!! Of course, it’s a two way street, and she must be honest with you too, and listen to your pain. But in the end, only the two of you can make the decisions, it’s nothingvto do with anyone else, neither your, or her families have a role, other than to abide by the decisions the two of you make. And provide support to help with the children.
I hope things turn out for the best, whatever the best may be.