I feel absolutely terrible for saying this but… I’m not sexually attracted to my husband. Whats worse is we’ve only been married just over a year. When we began dating three years ago, we we both overweight, him only a little and me quite a bit. He chewed tobacco and drank soda like it was water (which he conveniently ‘doesn’t like’). By the time we got married I had ballooned up to 230 and he to almost 270. Seven months ago I received a wake-up call when I changed primary care physicians and was told I needed to lose weight or risk serious issues, including diabetes and high blood pressure. Concerned with our health, I asked him to go on this journey with me, which included eating healthier, getting more exercise, quitting chew and soda. Several times since then I’ve caught him lying about chewing (saying he had totally quit, yet I would find receipts for it in his car).

I began eating healthy and exercising right away. I’ve lost fifty pounds since April. I cook healthy meals, only keep healthy snacks in the house, and even pack my husbands lunch every day (which consist of a salad and healthy snacks). We have an elliptical machine in the house and a set of exercise bands (both of which I’ve found very useful). He practically laughs when I suggest using them. Despite seeing my progress, he has absolutely no motivation to exercise. He doesn’t even do the simple exercises his physical therapist (he’s recently been diagnosed with a herniated disk) told him to do twice a day, every day. She even told him to walk five times a week and he doesn’t do any of it! His body is not attractive to me anymore.

He used to bathe every day or at least every other day. Now a year after marriage, I’m lucky if he bathes twice a week. He has terrible body odor, wears the same underwear for days at a time. I tried to snuggle with him in bed a few nights ago and the smell of dirty butt (to put it bluntly) was so overwhelming I had to roll over and face the wall. I even shower with him when I can to encourage positive behavior but those two days a week that we shower together are the ONLY days that he showers. He’s never had great oral hygiene habits – his teeth look terrible. He chews tobacco openly now because I’ve gotten so frustrated with constantly catching him lying that I just don’t even care anymore. I suspect he’s doing the same with soda (and probably sneaking fast food) because despite me making healthy meals and preparing salads every day for his lunch, he hasn’t lost ANY weight. He brushes his teeth about the same amount, maybe twice a week. With drinking coffee, soda, and chewing tobacco every day and not brushing his teeth…. its appalling.

I’ve had at least one conversation with him about his hygiene and several about is weight. For a while, he was paying attention to his hygiene then it just faded away within a month. The last conversation I had with him about his weight (which I try to do gently because the last thing I want to hurt his feelings), he became very defensive and said “Why can’t you just be happy with me the way I am for a while??” Which made me feel bad, because he just started a new job three months ago so I know he’s stressed out.

I’m starting to resent him and obviously that’s not something I want. I shower everyday, brush my teeth, spend a lot of time in the morning putting on makeup and fixing my hair. I always try to smell nice for him and I ALWAYS wear clean clothes. I make a point to make healthier choices and I exercise. Am I being unreasonable in wanting a mate that has good hygiene and cares about his health?? I’m becoming so repulsed by his laziness towards everything that our sex life is almost nonexistent. He’s a wonderful guy, and I love him so much. I just don’t know what to do anymore that doesn’t involve me constantly nagging him (which isn’t good for anyone) and losing my mind or having a sexless marriage.

Any advice would be appreciated, even if I’m completely in the wrong here. I don’t know what to do