Dear Anjali,
I am writing to you with a concern that has been weighing on my conscience for quite some time, despite my best efforts to reconcile my desires with my religious beliefs and social norms. I am a 36-year-old Muslim woman with a traditional yet not orthodox upbringing, currently working as a teacher in a private school, and blessed with a loving and supportive husband and three wonderful children between the ages of 6 and 10. My life seems perfect from the outside, but I harbor a secret that I believe is a source of both comfort and turmoil.
I am a compulsive masturbator and engage in this activity multiple times a day as it serves as an excellent stress relief mechanism for me. I must confess that I feel no guilt or burden from this activity. Masturbation remains my secret sanctuary, a place where I can seek refuge from the stresses that come with being a wife, a mother, and a professional. It does not affect my relationships or my ability to perform my duties, and I consider it to be a personal matter that has no impact on my husband or children.
The issue I face is not one of  my addiction to masturbation, but rather the nature of the fantasies that accompany my masturbating sessions. These vivid imaginings, which I indulge in frequently throughout the day, leave me feeling guilty and conflicted, as they seem to clash with the moral fabric of my existence.
While masturbating, I indulge in vivid sexual fantasies involving the men and young boys I meet at work and in my personal life. At school, my colleagues’ faces flash through my mind as I imagine them in intimate scenarios, their bodies entangled with mine. My thoughts also wander to my students, despite their young age, as I imagine their firm, inexperienced bodies eager to explore the depths of sexual pleasure with me, their mature teacher.
I don’t stop there. The strangers like shopkeepers or street vendors or rickshaw-walas, who, with a simple exchange of glances, can become the stars of my most intense masturbation sessions. Their raw appeal and the mystery surrounding them add a thrilling edge to my self-induced pleasure. The men in my neighborhood, from the watchful watchmen to the energetic young boys playing in the streets, all play a role in my erotic imaginings. Their youthfulness and virility fuel my arousal as I fantasize about taking them in various ways.
Turning to the small screen, TV anchors and actors from movies and soaps become the focus of my sexual daydreams. Their confident personas and charismatic smiles make me wet as I imagine them performing passionate scenes just for my viewing pleasure. Celebrities, including famous cricket players with their toned bodies and agile movements, also join the cast of my mental theater, their athleticism translating into bedroom acrobatics that leave me breathless.
But my fantasies don’t stop with just humans. There’s something primal and thrilling about the idea of having sex with animals. Watching stray dogs mating on the streets or the prominent penis of a stray donkey make me wet with excitement. I fantasize about being taken by these creatures, feeling their strength and animalistic lust as they claim me.
These fantasies, whether they involve humans or animals, add a thrilling edge to my masturbation sessions, making me scream with pleasure as I reach climax.
Please understand that I am a faithful wife and have no intention of ever acting on these fantasies. I do not indulge in pornography, and my sexual activities are confined to my own private moments. Despite this, I cannot help but question whether it is normal or acceptable to have such thoughts. These fantasies are a significant part of my masturbation routine, and I fear that they may be indicative of some deeper issue within me or that they could potentially harm my marriage or my reputation if they were to become known.
I have had such fantasies since adolescence, and while they have never led me to stray from my husband or engage in any inappropriate behavior, I cannot shake the guilt and anxiety that accompany them. Is it wrong, Anjali, to fantasize in such a way? Can one be a moral and upstanding member of society while harboring such thoughts? I am writing to you in the hope that you can offer some insight or reassurance that my fantasies are not as uncommon as I fear they might be and that there is a way to reconcile these thoughts with my otherwise wholesome and fulfilling life.
Thank you for your time and consideration in this delicate matter.
Sincerely,
A Conflicted Heart