I apologize in advance for this being so long but I figure to get the helpful responses I am hoping for I have to put it all out there. Advice from anyone is greatly appreciated but I would really like feedback from some men so I can see the other side.

My husband and I (both 28) have been married for 4.5 years and were together for almost 3 years before that. We have 2 children (a 2 year old and an 8 week old). I am still currently on maternity leave but will return to work part time next month. My husband is a fire fighter and works in 48 hour shifts.

I would most describe our sex problems as a viscous cycle. My husband and I have not been on the same page with sex for several years. While he would like it if we could have sex every day, I would be happy with once, maybe twice, a week. Not only do we have what I call a quantity issue, it’s also quality. I am fine with the usual vanilla encounters and OK with a little roughness, dirty talk, experimentation occasionally.

My husband on the other hand would prefer the opposite. He regularly wants oral, dirty talk, outfits, pictures, videos, bondage, rough sex, various positions, anal, role playing, etc. He now needs dirty talk it seems and the pure fact that he NEEDS it sort of turns me off. I also struggle with him wanting to dominate me or call me names cause I feel like it’s so disrespectful. He also watches porn regularly. I enjoy porn myself and don’t have a problem with occasional viewing but he watches it almost daily and I feel like it is changing his expectations about sex. I am all for keeping things from getting stale but I also refuse to be treated like a porn star (which is sometimes how he makes me feel). He says that I have changed (not wanting sex all the time like when we first met) but doesn’t seem to acknowledge that he has changed as well (wanting variety to an extreme and in my opinion porn-like scenes regularly).

The other side to this is that he wants me to WANT to have sex with him. I tell him he can’t have it both ways; he can’t want sex 7 days a week but also only want to have sex when I want it. I am trying to please him already but that isn’t enough, I have to also act like I want it too…which just makes it even more of a chore than it can already feel like.

Also, I don’t like to swallow; I hate how it tastes and have a horrible gag reflex. I still perform oral though and try or let him release on my face which he really likes, but I can’t stand. I send him pictures and buy outfits and have done a video but it never seems to be enough. He loves anal which we have done but not recently since one of our experiences was very painful for me. It was so painful that he said he would never ask again but as time has passed he has started asking again and seems to think that if we play with that area often enough I will get used to it and then it wouldn’t be painful anymore. Over the past year while having sex his hand magically finds its way to that area. I don’t immediately slap his hand away cause I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he will know when to stop, but he never does. I hate to say this but I don’t want to get used to it! I don’t want to do all these things so often that he thinks it is now the norm.

He uses texting when we are apart from each other to make his requests or let it be known that he is craving something specific. I feel like he is always in want of something…if we have vanilla sex on Monday then I know that I should have non-vanilla sex with him on Wednesday or Thursday in hopes to keep the texts/requests at bay. If he isn’t asking for more in quantity he is asking for something else in quality…like I can’t ever keep him satisfied. OR if I fulfill a request, instead of satisfying a need, he only wants it more, so I feel like why do I even bother if there is no relief and it makes me resentful and sex just feels like a chore I am adding to the list of things I already have to do in a day.

About every 6 months it all becomes an issue because I can’t take all his requests and I snap. This is where the vicious cycle comes into play. I tell him that I wish he would stop asking cause it puts a sense of pressure on me to then make his request happen. He says that if he didn’t ask then I would never have sex with him. 1: I know that to be a complete exaggeration because I keep track to make sure that we never go any longer than a week. 2: He asks so often that I never get the chance to do it on my own. His texts are so frequent that I could be at work feeling good and wanting to have sex when I get home but then he texts me and the feeling is gone and all that is left is immediate anger. Once I get home my options are either to ignore his request which just reinforces in his mind that we never have sex OR I feel forced to have sex which also reinforces that we only have sex when he asks for it.

Anyway, after I snap and we have our little talk I agree to try harder to meet his needs and he agrees to back off a little with his requests. The problem is that after a few weeks he has already returned to his old habits and is texting again. I feel like he thinks his not asking for sex is this huge accomplishment while I am stressing and making actual efforts to make sure I am doing a decent job at keeping up with his needs.

I don’t want to use the excuse that couples have less sex once they get married and have kids but I cannot get him to see that all the things he wants are not normal in a marriage either. Every once in a blue moon he will acknowledge that maybe he has a problem but it doesn’t last long and I am left feeling like the one who has the problem: that I am a prude and I can’t satisfy my husband. I have read Jon Does forum on 30 Days of Sex and considered it in hopes that maybe it will change my outlook on sex but I am worried that it will just put more pressure on me and I will get more resentful. I want to enjoy sex with my husband without it feeling like a chore but am at odds with just giving him whatever he wants also.

Advice please…I had some healing issues from my recent delivery, but just got the OK to have sex and would love to not start the same patterns all over again. He has already been texting and not let off much since delivery but I would love to start off on the right foot.