Why does my husband want to compete with my past?
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Am a 27 year old married female with a child. I have been married since I was 23. I live with my husband and child, I have known my husband since we were in middle school. I had to move to the US from Dubai but we kept in contact. He knows about all about my former boyfriends and knew that I was not a virgin. He accepted me like that.
After we had moved to a new apartment he found some of my old diaries and he read through somethings I did in my past. Ok, somethings I did not tell him like I had group sex once with my boyfriend at the time, and that when I first came to the US I used to watch porn with my cousin. I have always been faithful to my husband even before we got married and now.
Now, when he gets mad at me he throws my past in my face, and now he wants to compete with my ex boyfriend who I do not even care for. He wants to do things that my ex did with me and I tried to explain to him I do not care for such things. Our relationship is a bit strained and I do not know what I should do?? I do not want to repeat my past.
Please guide me
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Hello thangam.. From your name I guess u r from the South..
Anyways.. Yours is kind of a complicated case now.. But you being frank was a good thing.. But I always tell certain things are better when kept hidden.. But now that he knows you have to confront this side of the male ego.. He is just new with the past information.. So he needs time to adapt.. I guess he must be broad minded coz he grew up outside India..
Also, about group sex, guys always want to have their girl with themself.. They would love to share it with another girl but never with another guy.. Especially if its his own wife.. When he came to know about this past, he just wants to show that he is better than all what your ex was.. Its just the male ego.. It needs time to be satisfied.. Just make him feel that he is better than any ex u had.. He is the best.. Also, make him understand that you have been faithful after marriage.. I guess he should know this after so many years of marriage.. But then too.. You need to talk to him and make him understand..
I can tell you one thing.. Try doing things which you two did when you were before marriage or as soon as you got married.. Give him small surprises and love him like u used to when u were just married.. Be awesome in bed.. Just prove to him that he is the best in bed.. Also make him understand you feel safe and secure only with him.. And make him feel that u love him and only him..
I know all that I said will sound childish and will make you feel that this is a way of patching up the teens and college goers.. But trust me.. Guys are the same in all ages.. U just need to satisfy their ego..
Hope it helps.. Comment on this if u need more help..:)
Regards,
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Hello,
Thangam..we are no judge of the things you have done in past. You enjoyed and your husband accepted you as you are. I hope he knew you had already told him you had sex with more than one person before getting married. If your husband knew this then him having problems after reading your diary should be confronted.
Now, in case you casually told him, before marriage, that yes i had few bfs and i had sex with them. It creates a different picture than you having sex with multiple guys at once. Psychologically a man always wants his woman only be his forever. Your past however is something he cant change and that annoys him. Try to sit down when his mood is good. Then tell him that your past was young age experiments. He is your future forever. If he insists that he wants to have group sex (like you had with your old bfs) then he is getting into the shoes of those who cared about no one.
You know your man better than anyone else. Try to convince him that he matters to you emotionally and physically. I think that would be enough for his ego. But dont try to show yourself as the person who did wrong so you are paying for mistakes. If you do this you will be taunted for life. Just say the right words and mean them. Best luck!
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A typical male wanting to make a point to his wife and the wife getting stressed in the process, not a very rare subject, happens all the time in one way or the other. Call it the stupid idiocy of men and no one can change it.
I prefer you talk to him openly about this. Tell him it had happened long back and you didn’t even know what you were thinking then and tell him it is in no way comparable to him. Assure him you’re not cajoling him to be soft with you, tell him you have been more than happy with him rather than your ex’s. Talk to him how much it is hurting you to face those words from him after all these years of marriage. If he isn’t content with this ask him what he has in mind and what exactly does he want to do with you. Maybe you can know what he is up to so you can prepare yourself for that.
Meanwhile make him feel happy whenever he is in a good mood. Going between the lines I presume he behave this way only when he is pissed at you, so other time try showering him with all the love. Not that you should apologize but you see, men are a pain in the ass at times, so you will have to brush your feelings apart and try making him feel secure.
The one thing men can’t seem to digest is the girl having a past. Some men would be cool with her not being a virgin but after knowing her past in a detailed way they would get that insecurity and they would do all the crazy things to make sure the girl doesn’t leave him. That is the reason he is comparing himself with your ex.
Shower praises whenever you make love to him and make him feel special. Get into bed without him asking for you; make him feel he is the guy you would be looking forward to, to pleasure yourself. Do things which attract him and excite him.
Whatever you do make sure you have always loved him, and would continue as well, in all your years of marriage and assure him you wouldn’t think beyond him at any given day. Make him feel secure by saying these words. Also let him know the pain he is causing to your heart with his taunting remarks with regard to your past, tell him that was a done deal and you aren’t interested in it. Takes some time but he would swing back to you.