My fiancee has told me that she had been raped.
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Hi, I am 24, unmarried male, I live in India.
I have been set for an arranged marriage and I have a situation and want to have some suggestions on the question :- “Recently my fiancée told me that she had been raped before by someone she trusted the most”. My first thought which came in mind after hearing this is “Oh man I am engaged to a person who has been raped” but after some research I got to know that there are more than 50% of the population which has gone through some kind of sexual harassment.
I am clue less as to how to react with her. Should I break my engagement with her?
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Is your worry for the fact that she has been forced to have sex or is it related to the emotional bond you develop with her? If it is the former, there is nothing she can do about it, especially when she was forced and has been assaulted. If its the latter, now we’re talking.
It takes a lot of mental strength for a girl to live-on after being raped. There has been a girl who had been raped and has declined the match her parents had bought just because she wasn’t ready to tell this to anyone fearing how people will understand this, but the girl here, your fiancée has kind of trusted you, or else she wouldn’t have come up with this. The reason she told this to you, I presume is for the fact that she liked you and wants to share her life and for that to happen she must’ve shared her past to you.
She absolutely had no reason to share this bit of information with you, but why did she? Its because of the respect she has for you, or else she could’ve kept mum and gone ahead with your marriage. You got no reason to worry about your future if you marry her. She would surely make your life pleasurable by giving you all her love. You might not know what it means for her if you give her your consent to marry, it would mean a lot to her. She wished to marry a guy who knows her past, and accept her for what she is and it would be appreciated if you do the same.
You can go ahead and marry her and give her all the love and care any guy couldn’t give to a woman and make her life good, just the way she does to you. If at all you’re marrying her, don’t ever bring up her past unless she volunteers. Make her feel good every moment in your life. I hope you marry her and if so a very Happy Married Life.
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Hi,
dear y u r thinking that ho!! U r marrying to a rape victim. That ws not her mistake. U should feel lucky that u hv a girl who is strong and brave, and had courage.
And moreover value the trust she shown in you, after someone had broken it but still she trusted u. It required great efforts in society like us, to disclose such past.
I am a victim like her, raped by trusted person. And still fighting from depression. But also gain maturity.
She would be a best girl. Marriage is about present and future, not about past.
But if you think it is a big issue, don’t marry her and spoil her life.
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I’m probably the wrong person to answer this as I’m very anti arranged marriages in the first place.
As far as I’m concerned, marriage should be the uniting of people who love each other, there is no other valid reason for two people to commit to spending the rest of their lives together. What the parents and wider family want is not what should determine a person’s future!!!!
Okay, that said, and most likely ignored by most people, we come to your extra problem; and it is a problem of significant stature. You, being a man, are probably concerned that she isn’t a virgin; but I hope your concern is not for that, rather that you are considering the awful violation of a girl who will always bear the psycuological scars of being brutally forced into an act that she didn’t want, and was not prepared for. Short of murder, no crime causes more suffering to the victim than rape. I’ve seen the effect it has on the victims, and these effects can cause life long damage. I don’t know if this girl has had any form of counselling or therapy, but even if she has, this is something that takes a lot of time and a huge amount of love and understanding from those around her if she’s going to ever feel confident in a sexual situation; or even in intimate situations with a man.
It makes all the difference in the world if she feels love and understanding from everyone, and most of all from a loving partner who will not be placing sexual demands on her that may make her feel revulsion all over again until she regains her confidence and trust. Are you such a peron? As this is an arranged marriage, I suspect you don’t have any strong feelings for her, rather that you are concerned for yourself. Don’t get me wrong, it’s understandable if your concern is self centred, you never chose her in the first place!!!!
I think this girl needs to be with someone who loves her without reservation, unconditionally; it’s the only chance she will have for a happy future. If you can’t be that person, better for both of you if you move on.
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I wold say you are a lucky guy to be getting married to someone who trust you and looking for a future based on trust from very begining. And you marrying her accepting this, she is a lucky girl to have an understanding husband.
Rape is a crime, done by sick people. She was a victim of one, maybe she couldnot tell this to anyone before. If she was a consenting part of that rape, she would never mention to you. She will wait for the wedding night and create a scene like how it hurts.
What a rape is, a man wont understand the physical and mental trauma, only a girl can who was raped. Its like you dream of the devil in daylight. They need the understanding family members and partner to accept that. Suppose, you got married and got mugged in the road, your wife was raped by the muggers in front of you. Would you leave your wife for that situation which was beyond her and your control?
I personally love this girl who came forward before the marriage and spoke to you because she sees a future together and doesnot want her bitter past unknown from the person she loves.
Now the ball is in your court, you be the better man and do the right thing or you can backout.