Am I a Loser for having avoided the temptation for having sex?
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Hi,
Please read about my background, and then help me with the questions at the end.
I am 34 years, IT professional and single. I have been living in the USA for the last 6 years.
I feel I am a loser and very confused in life. With age one becomes rigid in attitude and values that are embedded since childhood. My life since child-hood, was a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs and this made me spiritual since I was 21 yrs old.
I am still a virgin because I thought I will have sex only with my wife as I am emotional person. But that doesn’t mean, I am less sexually oriented. I am masturbating on an average 2-3 times a day for last 20 yrs, and I almost do it daily while watching porn and clips of desi natural hidden mms.
During my teens, I was seduced by my chachi living next door. She allowed me to press her boobs and kiss her etc. But I did not have the courage to ask her for sex. I used to masturbate thinking of her. I later on fell in love with a girl, who made me her puppet. I was emotionally obsessed and loved her a lot. But then she ditched me, when I came to know about her character. I did not have sex with her due to my moral values.
I was into vipassana meditation, but I left it because of my high sex desire masturbation. I had become extremely spiritual and had to take psychiatric help, to come out this and now I am a normal guy.
In the US, where I am presently there many opportunities for sex, but I have not succumbed as I was thinking that I will have sex only with my wife when I marry. Now due to destiny, my marriage has been delayed due to many reasons.
I am confused in life and have the following questions:.
1. Will I be able to satisfy my wife? This is a BIG TIME Worry. I still masturbate 1-2 times a day.
2. I feel like a loser at times, that I lost half of my life sticking to values and still sexually frustrated not having sex. I am a confused personality?
3. I have an uncircumcised penis? Will I need an operation ?
4. Since I am in USA and in this region prostitution is legal, many friends have told me to go for prostitution but I feel that as I might be married soon, I should not do it. Now I don’t think I will get a virgin wife, which makes me feel low.
5. Some of my friend say, I am not normal. This makes me feel bad and lose confidence. Am I right or are my friends right? Have I lost in Life because of my values?
Kindly help to make up my mind about Life and the direction, I should take.
Answers ( 2 )
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Life is all about the Lessons it teaches you and how well you adapt to learn from those experiences. When you are in conflict with Nature, and try to tell Mother Nature that you know better, then you begin to face the problems you do.
On the one hand you advocate celibacy and no sex before marriage, on the other you have made masturbation your life’s motto. Extremes are always dangerous as you have learnt the hard way. If you imagine yourself a Loser, that’s what you will be. Fortunately Life always gives you another chance and since you are relatively young, you can make amends and course correction to achieve your goals in Life.
What has happened in the past, is the past and crying over spilt milk is not going to help. Plan for the present. You can begin by making a firm resolve about your addiction to porn. You are addicted as is reflected in the number of times you masturbate. What use is success in your professional life if you cannot control your mind and your carnal desires? Peace of mind and freedom from stress are key to a happy existence.
There are some things that you are trying to solve without reaching that stage. One is your worry about satisfying your wife. Why worry before getting married. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Another is your worry about your future wife being a virgin. This fear will haunt you all your life. You have used harsh words about women in general (which I have edited) and this shows your contempt for women. If you are going to start married life on this premise, you are looking for trouble.
Your uncircumcised penis is not a problem as long as you have been able to pull the foreskin down comfortably. You do not need an operation.
Whether prostitution is legal or illegal, is not the issue. What your views on having sex with a prostitute is what matters. Visiting a prostitute may remove some of your mental fears about performance, but on the other hand, it could multiply your problems. Do I tell my future wife? Will the prostitute laugh at me? Will I contract some disease? Will it become an addiction?
Finally, You are NOT a Loser. Anyone who can confront his problems is not a Loser. Willing to accept that you have problem and then making a firm resolve that you will tackle that problem, is a sign of a Winner. You can win.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Bro, what you are encountering at the age of 34, fortunately I encountered a decade earlier in my life. I am 25 years old. Until one year ago I too had high ideals of being dedicated to my wife only. I was educated in a school where they taught things like treat women as your sister, mother etc which now I think a misrepresentation of women.
Naturally if you are a sincere person and believe in certain ideals you would expect your better half to believe in them. Example, you remain a virgin so you would expect a virgin wife. You can expect but sadly it’s not necessary that you will get one. Moreover this unnecessary obsession can change your attitude negatively towards all women and make your life hell after your marriage. You have to end this obsession.
You have to realize that this is 21st century and the values you believe in are of Vedic era. You may believe in them, but others may not. So you will have really tough time if you insist on futile values. Think honestly what you have achieved after dedicating 34 years of you life to this ideal. What I am asking you to do is change the ideal of observing celibacy till marriage and more importantly expecting a virgin partner.
Being spiritual at the age of 21 and doing vipassna etc have messed with your mind (in my opinion). Forget all that. Dude you are working in USA that too probably for a decade. And if you have so many sexual opportunities, why don’t you utilize few? Work on your looks. Go out on dates. Date multiple ladies at the same time. Just avoid getting emotionally attached and don’t give commitment at an early stage. If you get an opportunity sleep with them. That is USA, so no ethical issues involved.
Regarding prostitutes, I would say avoid them for a while. You can set a time line, say one year, to try your luck on normal ladies. You would miss a lot of fun and social education if you replace gf by a prostitute. Still, if you don’t have any luck go for them.
In short, you don’t have to remain virgin till your marriage.
Regarding the character of a woman or man, it depends on the prevailing culture in the society. You may argue it’s against Indian culture to lose your virginity before marriage. But culture is not static, it changes with time. Slowly and silently Indians are accepting pre-marital sex specially in metros and tier-1 cities. Don’t judge women based on their past. For a little while when I was too obsessed with this virginity thing, every girl having a boyfriend seemed a whore to me. The fault was in my mind.
Enjoy your life big bro. You would probably live 20 – 30 year more. Don’t waste it for some shitty, outdated, bookish, orthodox ideals. Don’t think too much, go out and have fun.
P.S.
1) You will be able to satisfy your wife or any woman. Don’t worry. Masturbation does not impact your sexual health.
2) No you are not a loser for believing in a value. See you were not chasing women, so you did not get laid.
3)Some people believe that uncircumcised penis is actually good.
4)Prostitution question already answered.
5)You have lost nothing in your life.