How to handle the news of my wife’s pre-marital affair?
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I have been married for just 2 months and I discovered that my wife had an affair two years back. She told me that she had physical intimacy with that person but never had sex. They wanted to marry but could not due to family’s unacceptance.
My wife though says that she only loves me and is not in touch with that person at all. Now I am extremely unstable mentally and have not discussed anything with my family.
Please someone help me.
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Taneja, I feel really sorry for you. You are one of those most unfortunate person cheated by the person whom we want to trust more.
I have been gone through similar situation. Within few month, I came to know about my wife’s premarital affair. She kept lying to me for next 8 years and I was successfully fooled. After 8 years, when I came to know about it, I was broken to pieces..
Women lye about their sexual past. I am sure your wife too is doing the same. Ask yourself, was she Virgin (hymen intact) when you did sex for the first time? If not, you have your answer…
I got my wife’s sexual past confirmed too late. We already have kids and there is no way back now.
You still have got time. Enquire about her past from her friends or colleagues or herself directly and take your decision. Believe me friend, you will not be able to live with her past in your future life if there is something more sexual history than what she is telling you now.
All the best.
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It natural for you to feel betrayed and find it difficult to trust your wife after what she has shared but at the time, you have to understand that she did when you were not in her life and you were nothing for her. She had all right to be in love with someone. She was in premarital relationship not in extra marital affairs (significantly, she did not have sexual relationship with that man). She was individual, was in love with someone, and could not get married due to various problems.
Therefore, it should not matter to you what she did in the past but yes if she is in contact with that person after marriage then it is for you to be concerned but that is not the case here. You should share with your wife exactly how this has left you feeling. In this situation, it is essential that you convey your true feelings of pain and betrayal, without resorting to taunts and accept her past.
Trust once broken take long time to rebuild but if you put effort to rebuild your trust then you can. See your wife’s good qualities and it might be useful to revisit the strength your relationship and focus on what you first liked about your wife. Remember your willingness to strengthen the relationship will play major role to overcome from what you are passing through. Last line, don’t you think that your wife deserves forgiveness?
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We understand the situation you are going through. It is never easy to accept your spouse’s infidelity before marriage and yet strangely there is nothing that you can do about the past.
You feel that your partner has cheated you and you may have trouble sleeping, eating or even working. Over and over, unwanted images invade your mind. You repeat in your head what your spouse told you about what had happened, and ask yourself if they are being totally honest. You start to wonder when your partner saw that “other person,” You can think of nothing else. You doubt everything they say: How they feel about you, what your marriage means to them. One minute you feel rage…the next minute you just want to have sex and forget about it. A second later, you can’t stand the thought of your partner touching you. Maybe you blame yourself, maybe not. But your trust is shattered, and you may start acting more like a detective than a spouse.
But all this will only affect your marriage and your relationship with your wife. You have to make a conscious effort to forgive and forget. Since your wife has said that she has not had sex, you have to believe her. She has also said that she was to marry that person but family did not allow it.
There will be times in your marriage when you want to relive those moments and remind your wife about her past. Please avoid doing it. She has promised you, that she loves only you. Accept it. Rebuilding the marriage and restoring trust and peace in your home, will open up intimacy, and re-build a feeling of teamwork again.
Your wife has confessed to you. It means she wants to forget her past and make a fresh beginning. It is for you to restore her confidence.
Your ego may be hurt that you have been a virgin before your marriage and your wife was not. You feel cheated and robbed of something that should have only belonged to you. You feel violated sharing your spouse with another person, even though this happened a long time ago.
Remember your emotional health will dictate your sex life. If you have feelings of comfort and happiness at the thought of sex with your spouse, usually your relationship is in good shape. But when you have negative thoughts about sex with your spouse, it means that you and your spouse are emotionally distant.
When your relationship is in good shape, sex should be a natural result. It’s the outcome of a good relationship where each spouse feels secure, appreciated, understood and loved. And, after a certain level of emotional health is reached, sex makes vital contributions to the emotional health of a marriage. Make sure you understand the importance of your sexual and emotional relationship with your spouse and act accordingly.