I don’t know what to do now. This will break my husband’s heart and my sister in law (my husband’s sister)
Last Saturday it was my brother in law’s 40th birthday. We celebrated with a vacation in Mykonos. My mother and father in law, husband, his sister, her husband and me. I have been married to my husband for 12 years. 10 of them re without sex. What the relationship lacked in sex, it compensated in affection and intimacy. We love each other. I have never been so loved in my life and I have only had negative experiences with sex so I chose to stay married to my husband. Beside the panic that I get some nights with the thought that I might never have sex again, my life is happy. My marriage is happy. We have a lot of friends and great families that love us. We have money and we have great careers I’m 39 and the thought of living without my husband for some chance at sex is unbearable to me. My husband is 50. He is not going to start having sex with me now. He said that he loves me and that nobody will love me the way he does. He said if I left I will maybe have sex but never be loved. I’m 39. Nobody will be interested in starting a life with a 39 year old.
My brother in law has bee married to my sis in law for 20 years. They have 2 children together and they just bought a house. They’re not financially stable to get a divorce and it will ruin my sister in law’s heart and future.
We slept together twice in one night in Mykonos. Everyone went to bed but us and we started talking and drinking. I told him everything and he was shocked that I haven’t had sex in so long and I don’t know but my longing just took over me and when he touched me I let him.
I’m not trying to make excuses. I hate myself for what I did but I don’t know what to do now. I love my husband. How can I tell him why I did. Especially because this is what he knows I long for. The only thing he can’t give me. And my sister in law and her children? I can’t ruin them.
I need help, please don’t judge me too harshly because I wish I was never born. I am thinking of two options:
Live with the guilt.
Ask for divorce but never tell my husband why. Save him and his family the pain. Or at least say that I slept with some stranger.