I’ll try ro make this as brief as possible. I’ve asked a couple of people already but the jury is split here. I’m 9 yrs older than my wife. I’m also almost at my retirement age. 3 years left.

First background. I (40ish M) am divorced and have remarried after 8 years. Marriage 1 went south because the ex is a complete narcissist, hypochondriac and basically went asexual on me shortly after marriage. I’d be forced to go 3 plus months without intimacy and the excuse was always varying but always medical in nature.

Fast forward to wife 2. During courtship I made it perfectly clear that I need regular intimacy. Not only do I enjoy it but it’s how i connect with my significant other. She told me that basically she was always in th3 mood and Intimacy wouldn’t be an issue. She wasn’t as active as she claimed but more than what I was used to so i accepted it. Once we got engaged, the tl;dr version of events is that she lied about how many ppl she’d been with (I didn’t care, but I did care that a good number of them are people that i work with and on occasion have to supervise). Also she claimed to have not have a gag reflex and actually enjoyed giving oral sex.

So we’ve been married now for a about a half of a year. And every time I attempt to initiate something there’s an excuse. Too tired. Doesn’t feel well. Afraid the kids will hear (she doesn’t care about the kids hearing when she’s in the mood. Only when I am. But we aren’t loud regardless. We usually wait till they’re distracted with something on the other end of the house and then turn up the TV in the room. They are also 12 and 11 so they are fully capable of being unsupervised for a little bit). I’ve resorted to just ketting her dictate the pace because clearly what I think are hints or signs aren’t. So argument began when inwas getting ready to go into work and she told me I missed an opportunity. I told her that she needs to verbalize it for me because I’ve been rejected too many times now ro want to initiate. She got upset and told me to list specific instances. I don’t hold grudges for most things and I certainly don’t commit them to memory so intold her just about every time I tried this month. I also reminded her that a person has to engage in lots of oral sex to lose the gag reflex and I reminded her that I’ve only gotten to experience it twice in nearly 4 years of being with her and not for lack of asking. So I’ve conceded to the fact that intimacy will only occur when and how she’s ready for it and I refuse to ask or even attempt to initiate it. Am I wrong?